The Cancer Chronicles 34

WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER
Part 1

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I guess we need to play catch-up. I just wanted some time to myself, to pretend life was once again normal without bringing cancer up everyday.

In August my mother was going to be released from yet another rehab visit. If you remember, she had fallen and broken a few bones. I haven’t seen her since my operation, over a year and a half ago.

I’ve been feeling stronger, so I figured I’d try to make a trip. I thought it would be fun to surprise her when she was released and take her home personally. So I booked a flight and planned a 3 week visit. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I haven’t been home to Michigan in many years. I was excited at the prospect of seeing my family and friends.

I shocked the heck out of my mom when I entered her dreary, two person, hospital style, rehab cell. I thought she would be in bad shape, from everything I’ve been told, but she really looked good. When she arrived to her home, she went straight to bed. She slept a lot, but seemed to become weaker by the day.

My longtime friend Craig (remember the California vacation?) asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and visit. Venison stew made in a crock pot was on the menu that evening. OMG! MEAT! Sadly I hooked up my feed bag and filled it with my liquid gruel. This would be my meal, as I sat at the end of the table while the rest of the family was served the heavenly scented stew.

I so appreciated how unaffected Craig’s family was when I pulled out my feeding supplies. Nobody blinked an eye. It was like all their house guests brought feed bags and plugged a tube into their bellies. I’ve always asked all my friends to just treat me like they always have and not treat me like I had any illness at all. This night the love was apparent. We’ve always had that unconditional type of friendship and Craig has taught those values to his sons. Craig’s mom, Gloria is the same way and so was his dad. Just good people!

While Craig and Jill (his wife) served dinner, I asked for a piece of meat and a bit of potato. Craig looked at me funny and said, “You can eat that?” I said, “I’m not really sure, but it smells SO good I have to give it a try!” I had to chuckle to myself and think, “Nobody says a word as I connect a feeding tube to my belly, but the minute I ask for a piece of meat on a plate, I get questioned with a strange look.”


There in front of me sat a half dollar size of perfectly seasoned, tenderly cooked venison accompanied by a chunk of potato. As the nutritional gruel sluggishly dripped into my belly via feeding tube, I lifted knife and fork for the first time in a year and a half. The utensils felt foreign in my hands. I cut a small piece off the meaty medallion, gently piercing it with the fork and slowly lifting it to my mouth. This could not have been a more sacred moment. Craig and his family chatted away like any other night at the dinner table while I felt an out of body experience approaching. I was going to eat meat for the first time since my tongue had been surgically severed from its God given location.

The meat slowly entered my mouth, delivered by and instrument that hadn’t crossed my lips in an equal amount of time. This was truly a religious experience for me. Can I do it? Is this really going to happen? Will I have to spit it out? What if I choke? What will it taste like?

A heavenly calm fell over me as the salty sensation graced what remained of my tongue and its foreign replacement. It was out of this world! Extremely difficult to maneuver, but with each slow, grinding chew I felt the flavorful juices flow across my pallet and down my throat. My eyes rolled to the back of head. I began to tear and moan to proclaim how amazing the meat was as I squirmed in an orgasmic motion at the dinner table. It was actually better than an orgasmic experience; it was (indescribable)

As Craig’s boys looked oddly at me, Craig said, “You’re witnessing history here.” And history it was, my history! Screw “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” I’m eating meat! It took 30 minutes to complete because I found it to be very difficult to manipulate and chew or maybe I just wanted to savor every last heavenly bite. No matter how I explain the experience, there are no words to describe it. It was so emotionally gratifying with a hint of relief.

If This Were You...
I mean think about it, if this were you, you’ve lost your tongue to cancer. You’ve had your lips ripped apart to stuff your forearm into your mouth in true Frankenstein fashion. You might never speak again. You’ve now been sliced, diced, micro-waved, and poisoned with chemotherapy. You’re destined to have liquid dinners delivered via feeding tube in your belly for the rest of your life. Anything you can taste is altered due to the amount of taste buds that have been ripped from your mouth. Exhaustion looms around every corner. You’ve given up hope and you learn to live with your fate. Over time your speech gets better only due to your extreme hard work and therapy. You’re grateful that you can now communicate better, but you give into the fact that a real meal, other than soups and shakes, will never come to pass. Cancer has stolen your life as you know it. You angrily submit. Depression pounds at your door!

You continue to complain to your doctor that there is too much skin in your mouth from the rebuilding of the tongue flap. Your forearm doesn’t belong in your mouth! Your doctor explains the swelling will eventually go down. You don’t believe that will ever happen. Your depression deepens. The stabbing pain rears its vicious head as you blindly reach for yet another dose of Vicodin, your new best friend, a drug addict in the making. All hope is lost.

A year after surgery you still complain there is too much skin in your mouth due to the reconstruction. FINALLY your doctor concurs there MIGHT be too much skin, but any additional surgery is not without risk. It might make your already garbled speech even worse. DO IT! JUST DO IT! The emotions are unexplainable! Anything has got to be better than this! You don’t care anymore. Fuck it!

Fourteen months after the initial surgery that stole tongue and your soul, a portion of skin is removed from the tongue flap (forearm skin) and you go home to convalesce. You pray the operation did not make things worse as you robotically reach for your best friend to sooth the discomfort. The stabbing pain is diminished and speech becomes a bit clearer in just a few days. (This is the short version of where I’m at emotionally.)

Now, one month after this operation, I sit at the dinner table with one of my best friends from childhood and his family. I’m over my shyness and embarrassment of using my feeding tube and bag in front of others. I’ve given into my new norm and I know this is how I will live for the rest of my life. Then Craig begins to dish out meat and potatoes and I coyly ask for a small bite. Does this give you a slight indication of what my emotions were as that meat danced upon my pallet that night?

As the table was cleared, Craig asked what I wanted to do, and for no reason I can think of I said, “Let’s go bowling!” WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I guess I was so excited and high from spending 30 minutes being able to eat a medallion size piece of meat, I wanted to celebrate and do something out of the ordinary. Mind you I haven’t bowled since I was 17 and I wasn’t good at it then! It never really dawned on me where I would get the energy or the stamina to bowl.

Craig’s son Wayne (20) already had plans that night, a young man with a very active social life. Without any prodding from his parents, he canceled his plans to go bowling with Uncle Brian. I was surprised and it genuinely meant a lot to me. As Craig, Jill, Wayne, and Aaron loaded up the van, I knew I was in trouble when they all brought their own bowling balls and shoes. Now I’m thinking, “What have I done! I can’t bowl! It took all my energy just to finish dinner!”

Playing With My Balls

The bowling alley had a special, a buck a game! So, we paid for a few games and some shoes for me. I searched for a ball as the family settled on which lanes to pick. I started laughing at myself. I couldn’t pick up any of the balls. I was too weak. When I finally found a ball I could lift, the finger holes were too small. They were probably balls for young kids! I settled on one I think was 15 pounds. It was really too heavy (STOP LAUGHING!!!) but, it was the lightest one my fingers would fit into, yet way too heavy for me!

I found the family and we split into two teams. I was very impressed to learn that Aaron (15) had been taking lessons with a bowling coach. I didn’t really care about the scores or winning I was just grateful to be able to get out and feel normal for a change.

It was my turn. This would be the first time I had thrown a ball down the lane in over 30 years. I felt dizzy, weak, and wondered if this really was a good idea. As I made my approach, readying myself to plunge my ball down the narrow path of highly polished wood, I began to worry, “What if I fall down or pass out?”

With that thought, to my right and two lanes over a group of young college age kids began hysterically laughing. My first thought was, “Stop laughing at me!” Then I noticed a big 6 foot, broad shouldered jock of a boy throw his ball and land flat on his ass! God I needed that.



All of my worries faded as I thought, “If he can be a healthy, strong, 20 something jock and still fall on his ass, I have nothing to feel bad about if I do the same thing.” Down the alley I sent my first ball and it slowly found its way into that thing they call…the gutter. The ball returned and history repeated itself as if that’s how the game was played. I just smiled as Jill made fun of me. At least I didn’t fall flat on my ass!

My second round proved to be just as successful as the first, gutter, gutter. Hey, I’m consistent! I was beginning to feel dizzy and was afraid I just might pass out. This really was more than I should be doing, but hey, it was a celebration! I ate meat!! Take that Neil Armstrong!

I hadn’t noticed that while we were playing, Wayne disappeared. He reappeared with a bowling ball in his grasp and presented to me by saying, “Here, try this one, it might be better for you.”

For the second time that night a tear came to my eye. This kid took it upon himself to see my problem, understand it, and make a decision, on his own mind you, and find another ball just to make my night a little easier. He just quietly disappeared and made the presentation without making a big deal. I can’t tell you how much that little gesture meant to me. What an awesome kid. I’m so proud to be his adopted Uncle.

Once again my turn, I prepared myself to maintain my lucky streak and continue with the gutter ball tradition. I picked up the new ball Wayne had presented me with. It was significantly lighter and the finger holes were perfect. I approached the lane and sailed that sucker down the alley expecting the normal resolve, but no, this time I got something they call a strike! That’s right dammit, a strike, and not the last one mind you! All thanks to Wayne and his kind and loving gesture! It wasn’t me after all, it was the ball! (I'm sticking with that) I ended that game with a 98 and the second game with 111. I was pretty happy with that given the fact I haven’t bowled in 30 years and I just jumped off the operating table one month prior battling cancer.

It was a great night, spent with loving family friends. I began to wonder, “If one little piece of meat could lift my spirits that much, what would a whole herd of deer do for me? When is hunting season anyway? I wonder if Caribou Barbie would teach me how to shoot!”


Tune in next time to find out: Why mom ends up back in the hospital, how Brian ends up in a cabin with Gloria the day of HER chemotherapy, and Aaron has his first Weenie roast while Brian meets yet ANOTHER breast cancer survivor at the bonfire.

Being a difficult patient could save your life!


Read Evan's complete story HERE

Register to Vote!

***WARNING - Adult Language***


You need to be heard!

Stupid Sign Of The Week

STAND UP TO CANCER!

On Friday September 5th, an unprecedented event will occur. THREE major networks, ABC, NBC, and CBS will come together simultaneously to entertain, raise awareness, and gather contributions to help fight cancer. Please watch and STAND UP TO CANCER!

Peace B

Lyrics From The Songs Of Life

Skeleton Coast, Namibia

Tears Of An Island

by Brian N. Walin

Beyond the dust lies a soul in mourning
Paradise in ruins, the soul bleeds
Tears of anger and hatred fill the tepid air
No passion in the light, only darkness and despair

Never ending cries consume the tragic soul
Never asking why, there is no answer there
Sinking deeper into the abyss, trying to stay sane
There will never be a rainbow without a torrid rain.

Stupid Sign Of The Week

They are NOT Antiques!
They are Dead Peoples Things!
Now that's truth in advertising!

The Cancer Chronicles 33

Yes, I'm Alive! But...
Life Shouldn't Be This Difficult!
I know it's been awhile since my last post. Things have just been too screwed up and I've been way too tired. I just sit down and I'm out like a light. Something I used to watch my grandfather do and wondered, "How does he do that?"

I am beginning to test the waters in the food department. It's not pleasant. Since my last operation the major pain has subsided. I still get these sharp shooting pains, but I'm no longer biting the tongue flap. Dr. Hanasano did a great job! I still think there is a bit too much skin left in there, but I have a noticeable difference in my chewing ability and even slightly better speech. The biggest obstacle is the difficulty with the movement of food using my tongue.

Flavor is diminished and the texture of food is different, perhaps because there is significantly less saliva to work with. I was told it could take up to a year before that returns, IF it returns. The salivary glands were compromised during surgery and radiation. To give you an idea...I had a craving for a cheese cracker. Well...just think about eating cheese flavored dirt. The taste wasn't bad, but the texture was less than desirable. It took over 15 minutes to finish just one. It was just too dry in my mouth and I was unable to move it around. Sadly I gave up and washed it out with water.

The other day I found a can of Chunky Honey Ham Soup. The flavor was good. The carrots and celery were soft, but the ham was the size of a bullion cube and extremely dry. The ham was the hardest part. I threw the ham chunks out. To be fair, I think if the ham was juicier I might have had greater success.

So much has happened since my last visit to MD Anderson. It seems everything around the house wants to break down. I think it's because I have neglected EVERYTHING in the last year and a half. After all, I've been slightly preoccupied with tongue cancer. I know that's not a very good excuse. I guess I'm just lazy! The world keeps on turning even when you don't!

In the last month I had to replace a car window motor, the car battery, the air conditioning in my car cut out, the bathroom sink began leaking in the cabinet below, the garbage disposal spits stuff back at me, the belt on my vacuum wore out and stopped picking things up (like I really care at this point) and then the pool pump went out! I'm so looking forward to next month!

Then to add even more stress to this wonderful month, my 79 year old mother fell and hurt herself badly. She fractured bones in her face, broke her nose, fractured her shoulder and broke her arm. She was alone in her home when Judy, the mail lady found her. She always hands mom the mail everyday and when mom didn't come to the door, Judy came in looking for mom. She found my mother passed out on the floor with her walker by her side and comforter in tow. She then called EMS. EMS is on speed dial to give you an idea of how often mom ends up in the hospital.

I was her caregiver until cancer consumed my life. Then I found I was unable to care for her. I tried to get her to go into an assisted living facility, but she wanted NOTHING to do with it and opted to live in her own home alone.

For those of you who don't know my mom, she has been in very bad health for more years than I can remember. She has fallen on numerous occasions, but has never hurt anything but her pride.

A few years ago she fell in my rear bathroom while changing her colostomy bag. She hit the floor and couldn't get up....Yes I know..."I've fallen and I can't get up!" FOR REAL. I could not hear her calling me, so she lay on the stone floor for over an hour before I found her. Do you think she was wearing the med-alert pendant I bought for her?? One guess...go ahead ...guess.

I was unable to pick her up by myself and she has no strength to help. That's because she won't do the exercises her physical therapist directed her to do. While my weak, lazy, forgetful mother lay on the cold, hard floor, next to the toilet, I called EMS to help get her up and check her over.

Since it wasn't an emergency, they quoted an hour wait. So, I made mom some lunch. That afternoon she dinned on a grilled cheese sandwich garnished with a dill pickle, sprawled out on her back at my world famous "Chez Toilot" complete with a bottomless bowl of water! We had a pretty good laugh over it and thankfully she wasn't even bruised.

I can count 5 times, that I can remember, when she has fallen and not hurt herself, all with her med-alert nowhere in site! But this month she made up for it. She was in ICU for 3 days, then moved to a hospital room, and now resides in a rehab center where she will probably stay for months.

She's is HEAVILY medicated by morphine. My mother has always been a pain med junkie, so I'm sure she's happy for now. She wants to go home after this, but I think it's time she come to her senses and opt for somewhere she can be taken good care of. Living alone at her age should not be an option with her health issues. Since my step dad died over six years ago she's been under my care, but I just can't do it anymore.

If I had brothers and sisters to help, it might be less stressful for me, but mom cut dad's supply off after I was born saying, "No More!" Even though dad wanted at least 3 children, the toy store was closed. I've told her, now she'll regret being so selfish with her toys!

As if this all that hasn't been enough, I'm receiving bills for my nutritional supplies. BIG ONES! I'm having enough trouble paying the bills I actually owe, but these bills should be covered by my insurance.

From what I understand, the supplier of my nutritional supplements is billing my insurance company for "in home surgery" which I am not covered for. Why do they even have such a category? When was the last time a doctor went to someones home to perform surgery... on a monthly basis?

After spending hours on the phone with both parties, I've been told I should only be billed for my co-pay and not to worry. With the way things are going I know this will carry on for months until I'm sent to collections for nonpayment of thousands of dollars I don't owe!

Having an illness shouldn't be this difficult! CORRECTION....LIFE shouldn't be this difficult!

Peace
B

The Cancer Chronicles 32

LIVE FROM MD ANDERSON
Thursday – June 5

I arrive for surgery with bells on! Pretty much the same ole drill, check-in, get undressed, dress into hospital attire, start an IV, let’s roll! They keep telling me I won’t remember a thing because of the general anesthetic, but I don’t ever remember being wheeled into the OR under general anesthesia. I’m always out like a light before I get there. This time I remember going into the room, being transferred to a very comfortable operating table with lots of blue foam padding.

I was asked to snort up some nasal spray into each nostril, then breath deeply as an oxygen mask was lowered to my face with a very spongy/silicone like rim. As I looked around a bit nervous because I was still awake, I noticed 6, maybe 8 people in the room. More than I would have expected for a simple surgery.

As I was asked to continue to breath deep I heard one of the nurses say, “Mark it 10:13.” I could see the clock and it read 10:20. That was my last memory.

I awoke in the recovery room I think around 4 or 5 PM. I’m not sure of the exact time, I was groggy for awhile. I felt no pain at the time, just sleepy. I remember thinking, “Did I just come out of surgery or am I just going in?” My tongue still felt the same to me.

After about an hour of “recalled recovery” I now realized the surgery was indeed over. WOW that went fast…well fast for me, being passed out! I had a nurse help feed me using my new Mic-Key. He was very kind and helpful, most all of them are. As transportation waited to wheel me off to the observation room, my nurse hooked me up to a new bag of plasma.

I was transported to a private room for observation. When I arrived I had to pee badly. The nurse disconnected the plasma bag attached to a pole on the bed, so I could go to the bathroom. When I came back to my bed the plasma was gone and I never saw that nurse again.

It was 7 PM, shift change, the time communication breaks down amongst the nurses. This day was no different. I asked the new nurse where my plasma bag went. It was brand new. I hadn’t been on it 10 minutes. She did not offer any suggestions, just a simple, “I’ll check for you.”

I fell asleep until 9 PM. I awoke in great pain. I pressed the call button for the nurse and she arrived swiftly. I explained I needed my pain medicine and I enquired again about the plasma. She reviewed my chart and said, “I’ll have to order your pills from the pharmacy.” BUT I’M IN PAIN NOW! “What pills?” I ask. “Your pain medicine and your thyroid medicine.” She replied. “WHAT???? First of all, my pain meds were supposed to be liquid according to my doctor and what thyroid medicine are you talking about?? I don’t have a thyroid problem that I know of!” I snapped. She then said she’d check with the pharmacy and clear this up.

While she cleared it up and never returned, I broke out a bottle of Loratab (liquid Vicodin) that I had brought with me just in case there was a problem. Dr. Hanasano prescribed it for me to take home, but I filled it before my surgery. I had this happen to me on a previous visit and I anguished in pain for four hours while they worked out the problem. That’s criminal! So, I always maintain a back-up plan.

After taking my pain medicine, I fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up hungry, so I prepared my feed bag. As I threw out the empty cans, I found my bag of plasma... in the trash can! Now that just pissed me off! The nurse just threw it away…a FULL bag!

I couldn’t get to the call button fast enough! “I found the plasma!” I told the nurse. She said, “Oh yes the nurse threw it out. It was hep-locked.” HUH?? I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I do know I’m not paying for something that you threw away without any explanations. That’s crap! I really wonder about the training of some of these nurses. I know many are subcontracted. Perhaps that’s why I get the feeling some just don’t care.

How can they get so much wrong with such a simple observation? It turned out THEY needed to be observed. If it wasn’t for me paying attention, I would have been swallowing pills with a raw tongue, and given thyroid medicine for a problem I didn’t have! As it stood, I never got that bag of plasma replaced. It better not be on the bill! Should it be this difficult or am I just being a pain in the ass?

Friday – June 6

Early this morning I had an appointment to see Dr. Kim (Chemo) It was brief, my scans looked clear and my blood work was satisfactory. I'm still CANCER FREE after one year! Denise my dietitian stopped by to discuss changing my gruel formula. Apparently Pro Balance is being discontinued and we need to find a suitable replacement even if it will be short term. After this short day, I went back to my hotel room. Every muscle began to ache and I was thoroughly exhausted!

Saturday – June 7
I was able to sleep in late. I slept like a rock, over 10 hours! It’s so much easier not having that long feeding tube dangling around me all night, like a snake wiggling against my skin. After I awoke, I went down to check out and asked about hiring a cab. The desk clerk offered to call a limo service they use. The cost of a sedan was about the same as a taxi. OK sounds good.

Within the hour a very dapper gentleman arrived, a man of class and distinction. He was dressed to the nines in a perfectly tailored suit, and sporting a very handsome chapeaux. I was still exhausted, even after all that sleep. As we traveled to the airport, the driver was unusually quiet. Then all of the sudden as he began to converse, the class of this man went right out the window at 70 mph!

He began to talk, and talk, and talk, but not chit chat. He ranted about how alcohol once ruled his life. How he would circle the liquor store every morning waiting for it to open because he couldn’t wait for his next drink. He liked Wild Turkey to start. TO START?? The TRUE man began to emerge. His language transformed to that of a street urchin: Mother F’n this, Mother F’n that. After he got his alcohol fix he would seek out for stronger fixes. He eluded to it as, "The good shit!" I assumed he meant drugs.

If he had early calls to pick up clients, he would answer the phone, utter something nasty, and hang up on them. He told me he used to have a lot of high profile clients, but they were all gone now. I WONDER WHY? It was evident: Clothes DO NOT make the man! Nor do they give him class, willpower, or an education! He dropped me by the curb at the airport with, “Have a good one brotha!” and disappeared in his Caddy down the highway of obscurity.

By the time I made it to the plane, I was out like a light. For some reason I just can’t keep my eyes open very long. I feel like I have the onset of narcolepsy. When the plane touched down I grabbed my luggage and made my way to the taxi stand for a ride home.

A nice woman driver pulled up, New Yorker… maybe Jersey. She asked where I had come in from. I explained the whole cancer thing. My head began to ache. I guess from all the exhaustion. Maybe I was traveling too soon after surgery. I was light headed. At that point she became my doctor, mother, and spiritual leader. She dolled out advice like she was a pro. None of it making and sense of course. She was another nut!

“You’re here for a reason Dear. You must go out and heal the others. I’ll stop at the drug store and pick you up some Maalox. It’s located along the bottom shelf in a blue bottle. It’s good for a lot of aliments.” She began. Gee $250,000 in doctor and hospital bills and all I needed was a $6 bottle of Maalox and maybe a little Wild Turkey! What was I thinking?

By now it was obvious; my life is turning out to be one big lesson in understanding the nature of the human specious and my own fortitude. Maybe I should be less engaging, then half this crap wouldn’t clutter my world, but then life wouldn’t be so entertaining.

There’s no place like home!

Peace B

The Cancer Chronicles 31

LIVE FROM MD ANDERSON
I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!

Tuesday - June 3

With only one appointment today, it should be a breeze. I get (another) new feeding tube! Well it's actually a button. After fighting with a second appendage for over a year, it will be banished from my body!

Up again at 5:30 AM to make the shuttle to the hospital for my 7:00 AM appointment in the Diagnostic Imaging Department. I'm excited at the prospect of the new button. I've read up about the Mic-Key Button on the Internet and also some blogs as to their use. One woman had a very detailed website for her young son who has a Mic-Key Button. She's very informed.

With an IV in place for fluids, they roll me into the OR. This time an anesthetic is necessary as the hole they need will be a bit bigger than the original. Just a local shot of Lanacain...well 4 actually to numb the pain. They hurt! Why does giving someone something to ease the pain hurt??? What's up wit dat?

The doctors performed their magic. It was very uncomfortable. Lots of pressure on the abdomen, but fortunately it went fast. When they were finished, I asked about maintenance of the button. I got a generic "No problem, people have these for years."

The button has a balloon that inflates when injected with saline, after it's placed in the stomach. This balloon holds the button in place. I read on that woman's blog that the saline needs to be checked weekly to insure it doesn't leak or fail. The doctor reassured me that would not be necessary and he was unfamiliar with such a procedure. OK sounds good to me.

I also asked why this button was not more widely used at the hospital and was told it was mostly used in pediatrics and they preferred the G tube because "it was easier to place." Hummm easier to place...let me think. An extra 5-10 minutes of work for the doctor for a years worth of freedom and feeling more normal. So, it's easier to place a tube that makes the patient miserable. Lame answer Doc!

The attending doctor handed me a kit containing 2 tubes used to connect to the button for feeding. One tube for a bolus feed (feeding by syringe) and one for gravity feeding (using a bag with an IV pole.) Then I was sent into recovery with a pamphlet for care and usage of my new toy.

As I read, I come across the EXACT same description of how to check the balloon weekly as I had read on the blog for the young boy. WEEKLY the saline solution should be checked using your 6 ml syringe contained in your kit. Hummm I don't have one of those and the doctor said it wasn't necessary. Who do I believe the manufacturer or the doctor? Think Brian, think!

Nurse! Call the doctor from the OR, I have a question! Why don't I have a syringe in my kit and why was I told not to worry about checking the fluid level of the balloon when it says right here in the book to do so??? PEOPLE ALWAYS READ YOUR MATERIAL!!!

I explain what I had read and he seemed a bit perplexed. So...where is my 6 ml syringe? "Oh I threw that out in the operating room," he said. "Well can you get me another one?" I asked.

"You can pick one up at the drug store. I think." he replied. You think? LOL RIGHT. "You threw out my syringe, so you owe me one. Why should I have to buy one?" Realizing the mistake he said, "You're right. I'm sorry." He was VERY apologetic and quickly found me 4 replacements.

I LOVE MY MIC-KEY!!!

PRESS PLAY on the music player below and EVERYBODY SING!

Oh, Mic-Key you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mic-Key!

My new BFF - Mr. Mic-Key!

Mic-Key Rocks! Smaller than a dime, this low profile button rests flat on the stomach. It's very comfortable so far. It's freedom for sure. I think the other should be outlawed!!! My dietitian, Denise called to set up an appointment for Friday and I told her how happy I was with my new toy and thanked her for slipping me a Mic-Key!

I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!
My Mic-Key Makeover

BEFORE

AFTER

Wednesday - June 4
I was able to sleep in until 7:30 AM! I'm in Dr. Hanasano's office by 9:15 AM to discuss my surgery tomorrow. After he reduces the tongue flap, I might actually be able to eat again! OMG FOOD! I'm foaming at the mouth just thinking of it! Just like Homer Simpson with those spinning eyes..."DONUTS!" Maybe that dear old Mic-Key will just be for looks! Belly jewelry. More or less a conversation piece. I'll point to it and say, " I used to eat with my Mic-Key until Dr. Hanasano invented the tongue."

It seems we agree on everything. He will remove approximate a 1 inch by 1/4 inch sliver of flap that is resting uncomfortably against my molars. He doesn't want to take too much at one time, so if this procedure fails to meet the objective, we still have the option to remove more. He always has such a wonderful staff surrounding him. I'm given a handful of scripts for pain, infection, and to cleanse my mouth after surgery, then released. Great, more co-pays!

Next... to my anesthesia consult to prepare for the surgery. I'm required to have an EKG because it's been over 6 months since my last one. Yep still ticking! Just not lickin!
My blood work looks good. In fact he said, "It's perfect!" We go over the plan for tomorrow, discussing how I will be sedated, what will be done, and what might need to be done due to unforeseen complications. Look...if I die on that table after all this, within days of eating real food again...I will haunt you and everyone in this hospital until you join me for all eternity! And trust me..I'll bring friends! I know lots of dead people! This really should be a simple procedure, only about an hour. I won't go "Thiller" anytime soon.

I have a few hours to break before my CT Scans so back to the hotel to rest. I'm pretending I'm not exhausted! I'm not very good at make-believe anymore.

The rest was too short and I'm now back at the hospital being stuck by a nurse trying to put in a IV line for my CT scan iodine. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so when I say "It hurts!" It really does. She's being gentle, but she badly wants this one vein. Like she's ready to cross the finish line. The needle is only 1/4 of the way in and I'm in pain, but she already sees blood flow, so she wants that vein. "It's a good one!' she boasts. She's intent on placing it right in the fold of the elbow, high on the forearm. Too sensitive an area and right at the bend.

"Honey, that hurts." I grunt, teeth clenched. "I'm almost in." she says. "AHH that hurts!" I screamed. I went from being very relaxed and reserved to Linda Blair in the Exorcist. "GET THAT NEEDLE OUT! NOOOOWWW!" The only thing missing was the spinning head. Thirty seconds more and I would have gotten that part down too! A second nurse came to my rescue and we all picked a vein together. Not even a sweat with this one. Damn I need a vacation!

After the horror movie, I went in for my scan. Same as last February. You can read about that in the archives. RECAP: Bed/flat. Donut/UMM donuts. Contrast dye/warm and fuzzy. Same thing as before, only this time it seemed much faster. I guess I'm just getting used to this shit!

I'M EXCITED ABOUT TOMORROW!!! There sure are a lot of highs and lows with cancer. Too extreme! It's 1 AM now and I have to be at the hospital by 8 AM for my new tongue. Wish me luck!

Peace B

The Cancer Chronicles 30

LIVE FROM MD ANDERSON
One Mo Time!!!
Saturday - May 31

A stroll down Memory Lane...

It's one day before my departure and I need to stop at the store to pick up some items. This is something I dread doing! I used to love to grocery shop, but now that I can't have all the wonder foods it contains, I hate it! Shopping is the caveman's equivalent to hunting and gathering. It's innate, something you must do. Once an alpha shopper, now reduced to a miserable man with a barren cart that only wants to turn left. Pit-e-full!

I remember those smells, oh they smell so good! I only go shopping monthly, mostly for toiletries and cleaning supplies. I begin walking slowly, savoring every moment. I spot fresh pineapple. I hover a moment and take a deep breath. As I travel along the consumption highway I see, shrimp, pasta, and a 22 ounce porterhouse steak, OMG STEAK!!! So thick, so red, so juicy! So NOT happening! I can't explain the feeling. I just want to clear off every shelf in a raging orgasmic frenzy, with the Mayflower Moving Company standing by to take it all home! Has anybody ever gone "postal" in a grocery store? I guess it would be called "grostal" ???

As I hit the check-out with my contemptible catch, the young man asks me about my neck (I've had the area bandaged since the bee sting.) He helps me out to the car and asks if I had an accident. I told him, "I have cancer." He says, "For reals?? Dude, wow! Like, how do you get that?" (Our tax dollars hard at work)

He's probably 18 and acting like this is the first time he's ever heard of cancer...well, it probably is. I explain the removal of my tongue, why they cut my neck open, and show him my forearm where they took the skin to rebuild my tongue. His eyes were wide with disbelief. Then I explained the answer to his quandary. When I got to the part, smoking may cause cancer, (I never have) including second hand smoke, (mom smoked like a chimney) he was in shock. "I'm not hangin around any smokers from now on!" he quipped.

Sunday - June 1
I'm tired today, not much sleep last night thinking about the arduous week ahead. Three doctors, a new feeding tube, blood work, CT scans, and surgery to adjust my tongue flap...big week!

My friends at ACS hooked me up with a great rate on a hotel room in the medical center. This is such a big help since the bills keep adding up and up and UP!

I'm driven to the airport with a little time to relax before the flight. This trip has only just begun and I'm already exhausted! I'm carting two suite cases, one for clothes and a very heavy one containing an two cases of Pro Balance (my gruel,) enough for the whole week.

The lady at the baggage check puts an unusually large tag with red and white stripes on my bag. The cans of nutrition clink and clank as the bag is thrown onto the conveyor belt. I'm sure she thinks there might be some kind of bomb in there. I'm waiting for a security guard to appear out of nowhere and whisk me off for interrogation. Nope, looks like I'm free to fly...so far anyway.

I couldn't get that tag out of my mind. None of the other bags being placed on the belt had that tag. It's a flag for something. As I went through security, I was waiting to be pulled aside. Nothing...humm...white, middle aged, 120 pound, frail male=no threat. Good call!!! Hell, the little 3 year old seated in 2A could take me at this point!

The plane ride was uneventful. I couldn't find Mr. Fu's business card, (do you remember Fu? I know I do!) So I had to take a cab. I asked FIVE cabbies if they would accept credit cards. All said no but one. Guess which one I took? Miss you too Fu!

My hotel room is very nice for the price. A newly renovated Holiday Inn. Even though everything is new the first thing I do is remove the bedspread and sanitize the TV remote! Have you seen those black light reports on TV showing all the germs in hotel rooms? It freaked me out.

My buddy Herb is constantly traveling. He stopped in for a short visit with one of those portable black lights. After looking over my own home with it, I was ready to break out the bleach and scrub brush. I maintain a very clean home and I was still freaked! Sometimes too much information is not always a good thing!

When I settled into my new hotel home for the week, I opened up the suitcase containing my food. Sure enough, security inspection tape was sealing the boxes. I'm just glad they didn't take it out on the tarmac and blow it up. It's easier to consume this way.

Monday - June 2
Up early at 5:30 AM to shower and catch the shuttle to the hospital. I am without energy. My back is killing me. Seems that I'm the first one to grace the head and neck center this morning. It's 7 AM!

At check-in I review my schedule for the week. I notice that Wednesday is going to be impossible! I have only one appointment today and tomorrow. They have me scheduled from 6:45 AM to 11:30 PM on Wednesday! A 17 hour day with surgery scheduled the following morning??? WTF?? Doesn't anybody have a clue? They've had 4 months to schedule me! The sweet girl at the desk TOTALLY understands and tells me she'll work on it while I'm seeing Dr. Clayman this morning.

I'm ushered into the office, vitals taken, and then placed into a room waiting for The Man! When Dr. Clayman arrives he's full of smiles. We have a quick chat about why I'm seeing him, since he didn't want to see me until August. I explain it was at the request of Dr. Hanasano as a precautionary measure before my surgery. As he looks into my mouth he tells his assistant to order a prescription of Diflucan.

He explains thrush is developing in my mouth. I ask if it's at all a serious problem. He said intelligently, "No not at all. It's your basic yeast infection...just like the vaginal type that women get." WHAT???? That's a graphic I didn't need at 8 AM in the morning, comparing my mouth to a woman's vagina. Maybe that's where the phase "sour puss" comes from?? And don't even ask what I've been eating lately, you all know the answer to that one!!!

I started to laugh out loud and ask, "Why would you put it that way?" He looked me square in the eye and said, as only a serious doctor would, "Well it is the same type of infection." After I pointed out my side of the "picture," he understood how what he said was perceived and we both burst out in laughter as I made my exit.

Back to the front desk to check my schedule. The scheduler has moved some appointments around. I can do my blood work and x-rays today. That will shave a few hours off Wednesday. As it stands, I still have a 12 hour day ahead of me. Nothing else could be changed. (INSERT YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD HERE)

I drop off my script for my vaginal infection at the pharmacy and head down for blood and x-rays. That's always fun. I have to admit it's one of the best production line systems I've ever witnessed ...on its good days.

From there I make my way to the business office to scrutinize and pay some of my bills. Always know what you're being charged for and ask questions before you pay. Remember my first feeding tube? Insurance wouldn't pay for it because the hospital coded it as a "supply" instead of a "prosthetic." It took several months to clear up that $300 mistake!

The hospital offers a hair salon free for cancer patients. My hair was cut in February on my last visit here. I figured I'd take advantage of it again. I'm now $700 lighter after visiting the business office. I've used the services before with fairly good results. With the chair faced away from the mirror I explain, "Don't touch the top, leave it long, but shorten and thin the sides and back. I assumed she was listening after she acknowledged what I said with, "Got it. No problem."

I should have known something was about to go wrong when she fired up her electric shaver instead of grabbing for the scissors. I watched four inch long strands of hair float like a feathers, ever so softly to the floor, in slow motion. C'est la vie!

Long story short..hair story short, oh hell...IT'S SHORT! I've seen more hair on Chemo patients! Do they take cancer patients in the military? She then asked if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed. TRIMMED??? Why?? Because there is now more hair on my brow than my on entire head???? HELL NO! I have a yeast infection not head lice!

CAVEAT EMPTOR BABY!!! Hey, it was free. Well...it should be grown out by Fall, if I'm lucky.

I'm outta here!!! More to come...stay tuned. I'm here all week!

Peace B

The Cancer Chronicles 29

Oh Where, Oh Where Can He BEE? DON'T BUG ME!

Well it's been a few weeks since I've posted. Things have been a bit ruff around here, so I've been taking it easy.

I was to have a surgery on my tongue May 19. Dr. Hanasano, if you remember, has finally agreed that there is too much skin in my mouth. Something I've complained about since day 1! The plan is to remove a small sliver of skin that I bite when I attempt to chew. This causes great pain and makes me run for the pain meds, which isn't always a bad thing!

I mentioned to the doctor's assistant that I feel the flap has grown a bit. It honestly feels bigger to me and I swear I'm slurring my words more..hummm come to think of it maybe it's all the extra pain meds I'm taking. Anyway...because of this, Dr. Hanasano wants me to see Dr. Clayman to make sure there is nothing out of the ordinary causing this. So, they had to move my surgery to June 5th in order to accommodate both doctor's schedules.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... I was out in the yard enjoying a beautiful afternoon playing in the garden. It was sunny and warm with a mild wind. The only problem was a pesky mini bee flirting around bothering me, a VERY small variety. As I dug the ground on my knees turning the soil, I felt a bug just under my eyelid on the side of the face I was most heavily radiated on. Since there is not a lot of feeling on that side of the face I didn't realize I had been bitten. I brushed the little bugger away and continued enjoying my afternoon.

When I went back inside, I felt an itch on my cheek and went to the mirror. I noticed a small welt where that little bugger bit me. By morning I looked like the elephant man. It was so bad I could barely see out of my left eye. The whole side of my face had swollen up and was a beautiful inflamed red color. Just the thing to tarnish what had otherwise been a wonderful day out in the yard.

Fortunately, by the end of the week I was looking more normal again. But the saga would continue. What? You think my life is easy? Last week I had hooked myself up to my feed bag attached to an IV pole and jumped into bed to watch TV. As my butt hit the mattress I felt a tug on my belly and grabbed the tube to secure it. When I looked at what was in my hand it was more like a scene from Alien. Before me was the wiggling black tip of the end of my feeding tube. The part that was supposed to be securely placed in my stomach! I had pulled that sucker right out of my belly!

Well...what do you do when that happens??? You go to emergency! Let me rephrase that...What do I do when that happens??? Put it back in! The problem is, the tube pig tails at the end, so you can't just put it straight in. Applying a little logic, I corkscrewed that sucker and in it went. Yes, this is the same tube I had a plane to catch with! By the way...This is NOT suggested!

Problem solved right??? WRONG! Here's the deal...when a new tube is installed, it has a wire and a string that runs down the middle of the tube. The wire helps keep it straight so it goes directly into the stomach. After it's inserted the wire is removed and the string is then pulled causing the tube to curl up in a knot securing it, so it can't be pulled out. The string is then locked into a little device called a Mac-Lok. In my case, I assume, I put too much pressure on the tube and the string either broke or was pulled out of the locking device.

Even with the tube now in place, it slips right back out with the slightest movement. A lot of tape does the trick for now, but it needs to be replaced. I called my dietitian, Denise who suggested I call Dr. Clayman's assistant and explained the situation. His assistant, Rolando said he could arrange to have a new tube installed when I get to Houston next week if I could keep it secure, or go to the emergency room now. I figured I can wait.

While we were on the phone I also complained (big surprise there) that this feeding tube is so inconvenient. I get it caught in the dishwasher, the clothes dryer, the dresser drawer, the car door. It's almost a foot long. They have to make something better!! If not I'll design something. It was then that he told me they make a device called a MIC-KEY. It's only about an inch long. SAY NO MORE...I WANT ONE! Slip me a MIC-KEY!!!

This is a low profile gastronomy feeding tube. From what I can tell from the manufacturer's web site, my belly will look like a beach ball. You know the little part you pull out of the ball with the cap to blow it up? Well that's how it will look. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to blow me!

You're probably asking, "If you're going to have the tongue surgery to allow you to eat, then why worry about the feeding tube?" Even Rolando rolled that around a bit. When I spoke with Dr. Hanasano about removing the tube after the surgery, we both agreed it would be a good idea to leave it in a few weeks or longer after the surgery. This would allow the mouth to heal without causing trauma. It would also be a benefit in the event this surgery failed it's objective.

So there ya have it. I head back to MD Anderson on June 1st for a week. I'll have the new tube installed, the surgery to the tongue, and the usual oil change.. blood work and CT scans to see if the cancer has returned. Life can be so wonderful, and then you get stung!

Here's a much friendlier visitor I found in my garden. This is a strikingly beautiful dragonfly. I think it is a Halloween Pennant (Celithemis Eponina) but I'm not an expert. It is the first of this variety I've ever seen.


Peace BEE

NUCKIN FUTS!

Need I say more?
Believe it or not?

Finding Strength To Survive Illness

A Journey Into Positive Energy

My 10 Step Program (Part 2)

Well I have to say it was a grueling climb. The children's song: Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go, comes to mind. But, let me tell you this was no ordinary grandma! Once I reached the crest of the volcanic hill it was like another world. Grandma was there alright, with grandpa and the grand kids along with a party of about 25 others...ALL NAKED!

The beach was totally secluded, private on all 3 sides, very intimate and small. It was just a cove surrounded by volcanic rock and a dense wooded area. There was a young man "hanging out" high atop a banyan tree playing his guitar (very zen) while the grandparents played cards under a large beach umbrella as the grand kids made castles in the sand. Young men in there 20's played Frisbee and frolicked in the ocean waters. Everybody was having so much fun and nobody seemed to mind there wasn't a stitch of clothing to be had on the entire beach. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable as I climbed down off the rock and onto the hot sand.

I was the only one with a bathing suit on. I found myself a small patch of sand along the edge of the beach to rest and take in this unusual world. I definitely was a fish out of water! Sure I've heard of nude beaches before, but I never thought I'd ever go to one!

I laid on my stomach with a book so I could peer over the top and sightsee. How stupid was that?!! And yes, after a hour of sightseeing I noticed the book was upside down. I thought stuff like that only happened in the movies!

Then it dawned on me as I watched granny play cards...when you turn grey, you turn grey...ah...EVERYWHERE! OMG! Then I started to wonder: When women dye their hair, do they dye it down south too?

As I watched the young men swim and play buff catch, I started to ask myself: What if your swimming and a fish nibbles on your bait an tackle?? EWWW! And what about applying your sun screen: Do you rub it on before you go to the beach or slather up your willie in front of everyone? Do they have a book for this, Nude Beaches For Dummies? I don't know the rules!

It was obvious this crowd gathered here often, nobody had tan lines. Most appeared to be locals. They seemed to know each other well. I was so uncomfortable with what I was witnessing, yet everybody else acted as though it was just another day at the beach! Why?

I was raised to be embarrassed by nudity. "Good people" were "respectable" and covered themselves in public. Yet these people were so carefree and happy. It was a dichotomy of sorts. They were unashamed, it was natural as God intended us to be.

Why are humans embarrassed by nudity? We are the only animals on the planet that wear clothing. (Yes I maintain the belief that we are merely animals of a higher order!) Why? This is all Eve's fault dammit!

I kept saying to myself, "You're the only one with clothes on at this beach, you need to either join them or leave them in peace." So, I packed up and headed back to the Ritz scarred for life!

When I arrived to the hotel it was bustling with Christmas vacationers. Since it was my birthday, I wanted to spend it somewhere special. My concierge recommended Swan Court, located in the Hyatt.

When I arrived I was escorted to my table nestled next to a lagoon with live swans swimming about. Beyond the lagoon was the beach and ocean. Just spectacular! The staff was tipped off by my concierge that it was my birthday and they did everything to make my experience unforgettable. I couldn't have asked for more. I polished off a few drinks and this time there was no rush hour traffic to remove my hors d'oeuvre. Only a few graceful swans that swam up and greeted me table side.

Then before me came a sight I will forever remember. The moon was high and still full in the black night sky. A familiar misty rain began to fall. The hair on my arms stood to attention as the sight began to unfold. Before me, amazing grace, a full Moonbow. Yes, a Moonbow! They do exist and I have proof!

Moonbow over Maui

I felt the presence of the entire staff huddled behind me as we all watched in awe. My waiter remarked, "This is a very special night. It only happens like every 10 years!" Everything has to be just right for this phenomenon to emerge. At that moment it all started to sink in. This was no ordinary vacation, it had a purpose.

I can't recall how long it lasted because we all just stopped and stared until the mist subsided and the Moonbow went back into seclusion for another 10 years. I can't even remember my meal or even driving back to my hotel afterwards. The show left me speechless.

My next day trip would be to fly to Big Island to visit Volcanoes National Park. Big Island is the youngest, yet largest of all the islands. It contains 4,038 square miles and is still growing. That's 63% of the total land of the Hawaiian Islands. All the other Hawaiian Islands could fit into Big Island more than 2 times over.

I reserved a private helicopter to view the island with Mauna Loa, the world's most massive volcano and Kilauea, the world's most active volcano, from above. I hopped on the Aloha bus and flew to Big Island. I rented a car in Hilo and drove over an hour to the designated spot to catch my helicopter. I was puzzled when I arrived. The helipad was vacant and the building was locked. I called the office and an employee kindly apologized and told me there would be no helicopter today. WHAT?

I took a plane from Maui, rented a car, drove for an hour, and no helicopter? No courtesy call? I was hotter than Kilauea! The helicopter was commandeered by a park ranger because some idiot fell off a cliff and needed to be rescued! How rude! Couldn't he have waited one more day! Now what am I supposed to do?

They called the park ranger and informed him of my situation. He called me back and wanted to make things right. He realized I came a long way for nothing. His need for the helicopter was greater than my need to view a big glowing chimney from the sky. OK, so he was right.

He asked if I wanted a private ground tour of the lava flows. I would have to drive another hour, but what the hell. I was told to drive to Volcanoes National Park, take Crater Rim Drive that encircles Kilauea Caldera, to the Chain of Craters Road and drive until the road ends. "Until the road ends?" I asked. The road ends where the lava has washed out the road. A park ranger will be waiting for you. REALLY?

As I drove, I was in the park when I came upon the Jagger Museum. I stopped to check it out. Before me was Halemaumau Crater, said to be the home of mythological Hawaiian deity Madame Pele, goddess of fire, dance, and violence. (What a catch!) Often described as "She who shapes the sacred land." Click Here for a map of Big Island.

Halemaumau Crater

An old native Hawaiian once sat me down to tell me the legend of Pele. Born in Tahiti she was one of six daughters and seven sons of Haumea (the Earth goddess) Pele's father, Kane Milohai (father of the sky and heavens) exiled her to Hawaii after she seduced the husband of her older sister, Namakaokahai (goddess of water and sea.) Boy this Pele chick sounds like a real winner!

Pele first arrived on the island of Kauai creating her fire pits with her magic stick, but Namakaokahai followed after her, fought her, leaving her for dead and drowning the fire pits. Pele recovered and fled to Oahu and created the fire pit Diamond Head. After that she left her mark on Molokai before traveling to Maui and creating the Haleakala volcano. When her sister realized she was still alive she went to Maui to do battle.

The battle ended in Hana where her sister finally succeeded in killing her. Legend tells of her bones remaining as a hill called Kaiwio Pele. Pele's spirit rose as a God and she made her home at Halemaumau on Big Island. The old native told of her numerous lovers, blatant infidelities, and jealous rages that manifested into prevalent volcanic rage.

When the lava flows to the sea and steam forms as the sea waters beat against the molten lava, it is said the sisters are still fighting. What a family! This must be the Hawaiian version of "As The World Turns!" The legend never mentions Pele ever marrying...hum wonder why?

Continuing my drive the landscape began to change from green to brown and barren. I noticed volcanic vents along the way with a nasty, rotten egg smell. These geothermic vents spewed a gaseous sulfuric steam. If the volcano becomes very active, this vog (volcanic smog) may become widely spread and hazardous. There were offerings to Pele of flowers, and fruits and berries carefully placed near the rim of the crater in respect.

Sulfur Vent

Offerings to the Goddess Pele

Soon it appeared as though I had left the planet. It was like a black moon scape. As I came to the "end of the road" I found out it was no joke. For the first time I understood how lava can transform the Earth as we know it to a black and barren moonscape.

Old lava flows (on the right) transformed the Earth 

The End of the road baby!

$50 Fine - Strictly enforced traffic laws

Speed Trap-radar gun unnecessary!

I found my park ranger who introduced himself by saying, "Oh my you're wearing shorts and a T-shirt with sneakers!" HUH? There's a dress code to view lava? This wasn't exactly how I envisioned viewing the island either, so we're even. He was concerned about my attire because he planned to take me out "onto" the lava flows. My sneakers might melt if I stayed still too long. I was instructed to stay behind him as he poked at the new black Earth before us.

Now feeling a bit flush, I began to hear a crackling and tinging sound as we approached the bubbling redness. Once again I was in awe, mesmerized by the view, the birth and creation of new land. Humbled, I took picture after picture and when all were developed (this was before digital cameras kids) everyone of them looked the same...200 pictures of red blobs against black blobs! I guess I wanted to make sure I got a good one!

Smoldering hot lava at my feet

He explained that there were tubes of molten hot, 2,000 degree lava, rushing under our feet beneath the surfacing making its way to the sea. Some of this lava would break the surface creating the blobs we were seeing. We carefully walked through the field to an area where lava was flowing into the sea. Indeed Pele and her sister were still at it! What a fight!



I was cautioned to avoid breathing any steam in the area. When lava flows enter the sea, it bursts into pieces building new land at the oceans edge from the fragmented material. This rubble is then covered with a veneer of lava flows forming a "bench" which gives a false impression of solid ground. This bench can break off into the ocean at anytime.

A Lava Plume at night

When waves splash the open steam of lava they explode in a cloud of steam, hot water and tephra (molten spatter, tiny glass fragments known as "Pele's hair") called a "tephra jet." I guess that means Pele's sister is ripping her hair out!



The plume of steam is called laze (lava haze) created when sea water vaporizes. Chlorine in the sea salt combines with hydrogen in the water and forms hydrochloric acid in the plumes along with tiny glass fragments from the lava. Boy when these girls fight they don't mess around! Kind of reminds me of the old "Dynasty" series. Take that you bitch!

It was getting dark and I had to make it back to Hilo to catch a plane to Maui. I bid my guide adieu and hightailed it back to the airport, just in time to catch the last flight of the day. Another amazing experience. I feel so energized and alive, like a child learning new things. There is so much more to life than working and making money! Did I just say that???

It was soon time to depart the Ritz. A wonderful, relaxing place to home base, but I was now on the last leg of this life changing journey. Last stop: Kauai, the Garden Isle. Upon approach it was beautiful. I would soon learn that there were a lot of businesses not open do to hurricane Iniki. The eye of the category 4 hurricane passed directly over Kauai devastating the island, destroying 1,400 homes and damaging 5,000 others. The storm caused over 1.8 billion dollars in damage to homes and businesses.

Even though the storm pounded the isle a few years ago, there were still signs of damage and rebuilding. The island was peaceful, not bustling as Maui or Oahu, but it was beautiful. The front desk clerk told me that the tourist trade had slowed down dramatically after the storm. Mostly because many of the shops were still closed and some of the owners had just moved away.

With only two days on the island I thought it best to find a helicopter to take it all in quickly, so I booked with a group. This would not be the private ride I wanted, but it was all that was available. There better not be another idiot falling off a cliff this time! There were 4 maybe 6 of us that went up that afternoon and it was amazing. The view from above was awe inspiring! So dramatic were the waterfalls, pools, and lagoons reflecting a thousand shades of green.

Above Kauai

Time, wind, and water conspired to form Kauai slowly eroding the ancient volcano, etching a cleft through her heart, the mighty Waimea (red) Gorge, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Pacific. Petrified spectrum of reds abound. Though smaller than it's Arizona kin, it's just as impressive.

The Grand "Waimea Canyon"

Swiftly we flew to the Napali Coast where the mountains stood like sentinels protecting the North shore of the island. These razor edged sea cliffs march along the shore forming a barrier resting on a blue velvet sea. I have never witnessed beauty on such a grand scale. Breathtaking!

The Napali Coastline

As I got to know some of the people from the hotel to the helicopter, it was obvious I was a bit of an outcast. Everybody was a newly wed! No matter where I went, love was in the air. Young couples holding hands, nuzzling, kissing, and smiles surrounded me. I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Everybody else had someone glued to them and there I was, a loner. Well this was the last day so I opted to spend it on the beach with all the other love birds. This time they all had clothes on!

When I got back to my room I had a message from the airline that my flight home had been canceled. Oh damn! How could I honestly spend another day on this mystical isle? After two weeks of splendor I was ready to go home, but one more day couldn't hurt right? I spent my last day in peace resting and checking out the shops that were open.

I had to take Aloha Airlines back to Oahu to catch my connecting flight on American Airlines back to San Francisco. The first class accommodations were well received after enduring that Aloha bus. That's the only thing I won't miss about this magical chain of isles called Hawaii. ALOHA and MAHALO!

As I flew home I began to think of those people washing their crystals to give them energy. I don't need to re-energize a rock to give me strength. I recharge my body and soul with the gifts all around me. The more I opened my eyes the more I began to see. You have to open a door to view the beauty within. Why I was given so many blessings in so short a time, I wouldn't come to realize the answer for almost a year.

Eight months later I was in a battle for my life. My doctors gave me 3 months to live. It was then that I realized what all this was for. These were lessons of how to tap into nature to for the energy to survive.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. The bioluminescent creatures dancing upon the sand like millions of diamonds, filled my soul with the knowledge that you may be a star one night, but may no longer shine the next. Enjoy today, for there may be no tomorrow.

2. The playful turtle taught me to be free, child like, invincible. Hawaiians believe the turtle is a sign of strength, protection and wisdom, creation and longevity. Ancient Hawaiian stories tell of them being helpers and demigods. His presence fed me this energy I needed.

3. The white horse taught me to stop and smell the roses. Even when you feel lost and alone, if you follow your rainbow you will find your bliss.

4. The Brahma bull taught me that even when you are alone, be happy. Scratch that itch and dance as if nobody watching! Celebrate the day!

5. The gecko (my drinking buddy) taught me to think before you over indulge or you could end up on the wrong side of the door, dead! Even after your gone others will continue to survive while checking in and out of your room. At that point you're nothing but a memory, or an outline on a door frame!

6. The people on the nude beach taught me to be free and open to change. There is always time to learn new things. Never be ashamed to be yourself. Be open to new experiences and respect others for what they believe.

7. The majestic Moonbow taught me that even when you've lost your rainbow, there is always a bigger and better one waiting around the corner, if you just believe. Miracles do happen! (my personal mantra)

8. Madame Pele taught me to fight and stand strong. There is always time to rebuild and reshape yourself. When you draw from the fire within, you can create anything.

9. Kauai taught me that even if you're hit with the force of a hurricane, you can rebuild and in the process remain breathtakingly beautiful. Breath deep, life is ever changing, we cannot control the world around us. Take what you're given and live in harmony with the forces of nature.

This two week crash course in understanding how to replenish my energy was a gift beyond all gifts. Those people with the crystals were on the right track. Their eyes were open, but they didn't believe enough in themselves to re-energize their own bodies and souls.

You don't need an object to give you strength. Strength comes from within. You must build a fire to create the passion to keep moving. Breath deep everyday and gather your energy from the nature that surrounds you: a sunset, a frog in the pond, dew resting on the morning lawn. See the gifts and open your mind and you will find the energy you seek.

Oh I almost forgot the most important of all the lessons:

10. Some might think I'm a nut, just as I thought when I watched those people washing their crystals in the sea for strength and energy, but I have learned not to care what others may think...what works for me might not work for you :) March to the beat of your own drum!

Maluhia! (Peace)
B

Kilauea Erupts!




A Journey into Positive Energy - PART 1

Finding Strength to Survive Illness

A Journey Into Positive Energy
(Part 1)

Recently, I was reading another cancer survivors blog on the topic of energy. I began to think about the first time I recognized this energy surging within me.

Many years ago I was in Hawaii on the beach. I came upon several people washing their "crystals" in the ocean, energizing them. Cleansing them to remove the negative energy. They believed energized crystals gave them strength. At the time I just thought they were nuts!

One year before being diagnosed with my first life threatening illness I went back to Hawaii, but this time it was different. The experiences I encountered were more robust, more energizing. Each day was like being reborn, new, fresh, and amazing! But why?

I flew first class from San Francisco to Hawaii on American Airlines. My best friend Herb, gave me a pass on Aloha Airlines that allowed me to island hop at will during my stay. Just like a bus, except you went to the airport to get on. No frills...you're up, have some POG (passion fruit, orange, and guava juice), you're down...now get out!!! Alo-hahaha!

I began on the island of Oahu, staying with a dear friend. Patsy, a fellow Little Caesars Franchisee, was busy running her four restaurants with boyfriend Joshua. But, Patsy still found time to show me around. From North Shore to Diamond Head, from pineapple plantation to the Holona Blow Hole, I saw it all. What better guide could you ask for than your very own nani kama`aina? (beautiful native/long time resident)

Holona Blow Hole, Oahu Hawaii

On a warm tropical evening we set out for a walk along Kailua Beach. This beach has been rated as one of the best beaches in all the world. It was a mystical night. As Patsy and Joshua held hands in the moonlight, I lagged behind to give them their privacy. I enjoyed the warm waters caressing my bare feet as I briefly sunk into the sand with each step. The wet sand before us was alive. It danced with light. At first I thought it was the reflection of the almost full moon, but no...the sand was indeed alive and bursting with light!

Bioluminescent organisms danced upon the wet sands that surrounded us. As the water washed the shore, it went dark, but when the water receded the sand came alive. It glowed as if millions of diamonds were deposited upon the shore line. I was so entranced with the spectacle, I dumped out my bottled water and took some of the creatures back to the house for further inspection. By morning they glowed no more, they were dead.

Pasty took me snorkeling in Hanauma Bay. I found such color and grandeur beneath the tranquil waters. Schools of fish, vibrant yellows and blues hurried by. Then a green sea turtle appeared. He passed within a foot of me, gently gliding along. He looked me right in the eye and I felt as though he smiled at me as he passed. He swam away then turned back, circled me closely, then sailed away again as if to say, "Tag, you're it!"



I swam after him, grabbed onto the back of his shell and for a brief moment felt as if I were flying. It was as though he was trying to teach me something. I was a young boy again, invincible! I'm flying!

Then his head turned and I heard a loud "snap" as I noticed a very sharp pointed beak like appearance to his face. With that I let go, understanding my lesson was over.

After catching up with me, Patsy remarked she had never witnessed anything like that before, out of all the years she lived in Hawaii. It was a once in a life time experience. There would be many more of those to come for me on this journey.

Hanauma Bay, Oahu Hawaii

From Oahu I flew to Maui to spend the Christmas holiday in exile. I had a wonderful ocean view suite booked at the Ritz Carlton in Kapalua. I would home base there and make a side trip to Hana for 3 days.

I took the road less traveled. I challenged the southern route and not the Hana Highway as suggested. I've never been one to follow a common path. I was told nobody takes the southern route and even the rental car company did not allow cars to be driven this route. I found this out AFTER I made the trek.

There was nothing out there. Dry, deserted, surrounded by tall grassy fields, I drove across the lonely landscape. Nothing more than two tire tracks in the bumpy road..well I don't even think it qualified as a road. I should have been driving a jeep, but the convertible Mustang would have to suffice.

While driving I was stopped by a huge white horse blocking the road. A misty rain began and a rainbow appeared before me framing the majestic beast. It was a spectacular site! I marveled in the splendor, as if the horse were there for a reason. Another lesson perhaps? The mist subsided, the horse stepped off the path, and on I drove.

My Little Pony

The terrain was growing more lush and green as I approached Hana. I almost ran off the road when I spotted a Brahma bull on his back upon a grassy knoll. I pulled off the road to watch in amazement. His legs were in the air as he wiggled his body to scratch his back. He seemed enchanted. I felt as if he were trying to teach me something, as the turtle and the horse were. Another once in a life time event.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow!(It took 3 shots to capture the full magnificence of the rainbow pointing my way to Hana - sorry for the poor quality)

Upon my arrival at the Hotel Hana-Maui, the bellhop remarked, "You must have taken the southern route." "How would you know that?" I asked. Was he clairvoyant? This was a bit spooky. He then replied, "Judging by the palm fronds, tall grass, and other debris trailing behind your car, you couldn't have taken the highway." I just grinned as he showed me to my private cottage.

I was surprised to find no TV, radio, or phone in my bungalow. I went stir crazy the first day. I spent the afternoon on a red sand beach enjoying the endless beauty. There wasn't much to do but relax, something I wasn't used to. So, what to do when you get back to a room with no entertainment? Yup, get drunk!

Kaihlulu Beach (Red Sand Beach) Maui

I went to the general store. This was more like a primitive market, but it had what I needed, a very large bottle of Bailey's! I grabbed my prize and headed back to my cottage bungalow, fired up the jacuzzi on my private deck, and proceeded to indulge in the creamy elixir.

It was another warm night. The stars were bountiful and bright, as a full moon hung over head in the clear sky. The air was still and only the gentle sound of waves crashing upon the rocks in the distance could be heard. I finally felt myself giving into the splendor of it all, or maybe it was just the booze! I fell asleep in the rippling water. I awoke at 4 AM with the biggest, brightest moon smiling down upon my waterlogged body. I staggered to the comfort of my king size bed for a proper nights rest. Well, what was left of the night anyway!

My Heavenly Hana Hot Tub

When I awoke this time, there was something staring down at me from above. It was a gecko clinging onto the tip of the ceiling fan blade as it slowly circled above my bed. Not a good thing to witness with a hangover. I wondered, "Did this little guy get into my liqueur? Was he too hung over from his own night of partying?"

As I watched my new found friend go round I thought, he's either going to throw up or risk it all and jump into bed with me. Either way I wasn't going to wait for him to decide. I remember hunting down a maid and asking her to find someone to remove the little varmint, before we became intimate bedfellows! As a native Hawaiian, she explained with exuberance that the little creature that had invaded my private space was a sign of good luck and he should be welcomed! Not where I come from honey!

I left my room to enjoy the afternoon upon a beautiful black sand beach. Something about it seemed odd. I equated black sand with dirt. I didn't want to spend my day basking in the sunlight on dirt! Upon further inspection it wasn't like dirt at all, but more like fine pebbles of black glass. This was what was left of the volcanic rock as it was pummeled by the sea. It was as spectacular as the red sand beach I lounged upon the day before.

Honokalani Beach (Black Sand Beach) Maui

On Christmas Eve the local children were to perform a holiday extravaganza in the hotel's restaurant. I was seated next to the stage at a small table covered in crisp white linen. Placed before me were Taro Chips. Taro is a root used by Hawaiians. Since taro's arrival in 450 A.D. from Polynesia, it has provided nourishment and spirituality to Hawaiians. Thin slices of taro are kettle cooked and gently seasoned to create these chips.

Mine were of the mobile variety. By this I mean, THEY WERE MOVING! My table was placed next to a large support column. Down the column ran hundreds, if not thousands, of microscopic ants attempting to haul off my appetizer! Without trying to make a big commotion, I flagged down my waiter and pointed to the rush hour traffic upon my table. He smiled, gently pulled the table from the column, brushed away the population, and replaced my Taro Chips with a fresh, less mobile variety.

Though the table was now ant free, the rest of the tribe was still running up and down the column. When I quietly asked the waiter if he was going to spray something to kill the pests, he explained. "We learn to co-exist with nature here in the jungle." The children put on a very cute show. My dinner was delicious despite the unwelcome guests, but "co-existing" in a jungle environment is not my style!

That night the maid left an industrial strength can of bug spray in my room and instructed me to spray the interior perimeter before bed. My gecko friend was no where to be found. He must be hungover in a corner somewhere, already tucked away. That night I slept better than I had in years.

Christmas morning arrived and it was time to check out. I opened the door of the bungalow and noticed the outline of a small lizard. My "good luck" gecko had been squashed between the door and frame of the entrance. I wondered if that was the gecko equivalent to drinking and driving? He might have been good luck for me, but I obviously wasn't his good luck charm! Mele Kalikimaka my friend!(Merry Christmas!)

I wanted to stay a few extra nights, but sadly they were booked for the holiday season. On my way back to the Ritz, taking the Hana Highway this time, I took a side trip to a beach that was recommended by some locals.

While lounging on this pristine, sugary white sand, crescent shaped beach, I watched dozens of people climbing up the side of a mountain with lawn chairs, beach umbrellas, and guitars! This was no easy trek. Something really enticing must be on the other side of that rock. I had to inspect it further!

I gathered my things and hiked up the jagged volcanic mountain, following the trail blazed before me. It was exhausting...this better be good!

Peace B

Tune in next time, when someone steals my helicopter , I end up the only single person on the beach, and I learn the carpet doesn't always match the drapes! The journey into positive energy continues!

A Journey into Positive Energy - PART 2