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Meaning of life

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." ~ Pablo Picasso

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Cancer Chronicles 18

Surviving Cancer


The Dark Side

I’ve been home over one month now, recovering. I’m tired for sure. I can’t seem to get my energy back. Things that need to get done…don’t. My weight has not increased, still 117 lbs. The feeding tube is still in place and will be for some time, if not indefinitely.

Recently, I’ve developed a problem swallowing. I’ve become a lawn sprinkler. When I swallow it comes out my nose. Some might consider this a talent. I’m finding it to be a real pain in the ass!

When I returned home, my Dr. suggested a Handicap Parking Placard. So, I went to the DMV. After they gave me one, I sat in the car for 15 minutes just staring at it. It was a reality check for sure. I haven’t been well for a long time, but never admitted this was necessary.

I’m finding the less I’m able to accomplish, the more useless I feel. This is bound to lead to depression. I have to fight it, if it hasn’t already crept in. I’ve dealt successfully with everything in my life thus far, but this…this is by far my greatest demon. Do you allow this monster to consume you while you wither and die? Or, bust out of the darkness swinging? I'm a warrior. I fight! Cancer will not win! Stay away from the Dark Side!

I will have a complete baseline study in November, as well as surgery on my right eye for my new found cataract. I don’t want the rest of my life to become a series of doctor visits, CAT scans, and IV drips. That isn’t living to me. In a way it goes against the natural order of things. I often feel I should just let nature take its course.

Feverishly I write my book when I have some energy, just in case I lose my battle. Why??? I’m not really sure. I think it’s something innate in all of us, to leave something behind in hopes we will be remembered. Perhaps so there will be a record of my life for others to learn from. But the reality sets in, once you’re gone, you’re gone. Your presence fades and only memories keep you alive. In time those memories fade and the next generation comes to pass. Within two generations you are nothing more than a name on your family tree.

4 comments:

Maureen said...

Hi Brian,
I haven't been here in a couple of weeks, and I apologize for not visiting you.
You are indeed a warrior, and keep fighting the fight, my friend. You WILL win.
Thanks for continuing to write.
I think about you even when I am not here reading or posting.
Sending you love and {{{HUGS}}}.
Moweenie

Dr. Swill said...

Thank you, I haven't been here in a few weeks either so I'm glade you're still around. I was unable to connect on ANT's blog with you for some reason I'm blocked. Guess I pissed him off. It's actually an NBC problem as I can't post on any of the sites there for some reason.

They say I'm cancer free (for now anyway) which is a good thing. Thank you so much for the love and keeping up with me I hope you are well.

Peace
B

Maureen said...

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!
Brian, that is such wonderful news. I just got spingles all over!
When are we going to be able share our yak burgers together apart? LOL!
Please say your mom is doing better too, then I can really do a happy dance!!
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. I am honored.
GINORMOUS HAPPY {{{{{hugs}}}}

Dr. Swill said...

LOL!

It will be a while before yak burgers will be eaten by me. I am still on the feeding tube and will be for some time. I can do yak pudding or yak milk. So, if you can find a yak to milk I'm game, but that's about it for now!

Thanks for the luv!

Peace
B

Words To Live By:

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others." -Mahatma Gandhi