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Meaning of life

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." ~ Pablo Picasso

Thursday, August 6, 2009

There's A Mouse In My What?

I thought I would spend some time with mom, to help her recuperate. In the drive sits my father's old car, still in the family since he died. One afternoon mom had to go to see her doctor. I packed her up walker, oxygen tank, and all. While I was putting on her seat belt. I noticed some rust flakes on the floor. I thought, "I better vacuum that up when we get back."

After spending the afternoon driving around from doctor to dinner and then getting lost, we finally arrived back at the house. (I don't know the area as well as I thought!) With her oxygen tank almost depleted, she was ready for bed. It was 5PM!

As tired as I was, I put on my glasses and got out the vacuum to clean up the flakes of rust off the floor of the car. OMG! It wasn't rust! It was mouse crap! That's right, Mickey and Minnie had moved in and crapped EVERYWHERE!


When I looked at the floor of the backseat, I almost tossed it. I couldn't believe the amount of poop! We drove all afternoon in mouse shit! That's what happens when you still have one cataract and don't wear your reading glasses!

I have no problem driving. If you remember my new lens implant lets me see Mars! I just can't see five feet in front of me. I can't believe I thought it was rust! Never, would I ever think mice would have moved into a car, without paying rent! This clean-up was going to take awhile.

I thought it best to disconnect the car battery, to avoid draining it while I had all the doors open, which left the interior lights on. When I popped the hood, to my surprise, those little buggers had built a nest under the air cleaner!

There was paper, twigs, berries, palm seeds, small rocks (?) pieces of bark, and leaves. I'm surprised we didn't set the engine on fire while we drove to the doctor's! I should have waited until the mice were in residence and then fired up the engine. We could have had "mousemallows" giving a whole new meaning to S'mores! I don't think Girl Scouts offer a badge for that.

Whatcha Doin?

 I couldn't get it all out by hand, the material was everywhere. So, I began to vacuum out the mess from the engine bay. While I was sucking out the nest, a neighbor wandered by.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked.

OK, think fast..."Well, the engine looked a little dusty to me. I'm a clean freak doncha know?" I snapped. He gave me a funny look. I continued, "Don't you vacuum your engine regularly? You'll get better gas mileage. You probably don't even Pledge your valve covers, do you?" He walked away.

After I was done sucking the engine, I put on some rubber gloves and a mask and attacked the interior. A neighborhood boy strolled by walking his dog.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked, poking his nose in the car with his dog sniffing around.

"Just vacuuming up mouse crap. Whatchu doin?" I replied.

"Just pickin up dog crap. Mom said I have to walk the dog! I hate curbing Willie, it's gross!" He quipped with a crinkle of his nose, holding up a plastic bag for me to examine Willie's freshly made...well you know.

"Guess we're both having a crappy day!" I grinned.

What is with everybody in this neighborhood? Can't anybody just say, "Hello" and keep moving? I met two strangers and our conversation centers around shit! Go figure!

As much as I love little critters, I had to get rid of them before they destroyed the car! With the engine and interior cleaned, I set a mouse trap on the floor, complete with peanut butter. I really want to steam clean the interior. I can't stand the thought of what's still on the carpet after vacuuming, but I have to catch the lil rodents first! A week went by and nothing, not a squeak, not an eek, not even a creak! I was so obsessed with catching them, I couldn't sleep!

With mice being nocturnal, most active at night, I went out and checked the trap at 2AM! With flashlight in hand, I peered through the car window, hoping to score me some mouse!

One night, a small white car pulled up, flashed a bright light into my eyes and a stern voice said, "Whatcha doin there?" That must be the standard greeting around here!

It was a security guard. I wasn't about to tell him, I'm hunting mice... at 2AM... in a car! So, I showed him my ID, explained who I was, and that was enough for him.

The next morning, on the floor of the car was a large frog, well... the remnants of one. Only the head was left along with the leg bones, devoid of meat!

The very night I was being interrogated by security, those little buggers threw a party and brought home carry out! They dined on frog legs and peanut butter. Yup, that's right, they ate the peanut butter, but didn't spring the trap! I wonder which wine goes with frog legs and peanut butter anyway? And once again, after a heavy meal, what's next? A good, healthy shit! I never knew mice could crap so much! It's the War of the Turds!

Once again, I vacuumed the interior and the beginnings of another nest in the engine. This time they nibbled some engine air hoses. Cha-Ching! These things can cost you a lot of money if left unchecked! I bought TWO foot long by six inch sticky "rat" traps, set a dollop of peanut butter in the middle of each and once again, baited the snap trap to be safe.

Another week went by. Nightly, I would check the car, flashlight in hand. By now the security guard just smiled and waved as he drove by finding me in robe and slippers, staring into a car window with a flashlight...at 2AM... hunting mice. There was no activity within.

Then one night, I noticed one of the traps was flipped over. No sign of any mice. As I slowly turned the trap over, there in the sticky goop was nothing more than two tiny little hand prints, like the kind you'd find in cement, in Hollywood, in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre. That was it, not even a turd... as if to say, "F-U, I'm not playin none of yo games!" I swear that mouse gave me the finger in the sticky glue!

More traps, more peanut butter, more waving to security! A few days later... success! There in the goop was one of the fattest mice I had ever seen! It couldn't even fit in the standard mouse trap. I'm sure there is a male somewhere, but I hit the mother lode! It all began to make sense. Only a pregnant woman would crave peanut butter and frog legs!

After vacuuming once more and a thorough steam cleaning. I took the car in for engine repairs. The mechanic said, "This is the cleanest old car I've ever seen!" I wonder why? Doesn't everybody vacuum their engine and steam clean their entire interior? Damn! I forgot to Pledge!

Oh, and if one more person here asks, "Whatcha doin?" I'm going postal!




Daria said...

As I read this to my husband, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

That was hilarious ... thanks for making me laugh. I needed it.

Maureen said...

Hi Brian!

Whatcha doin? LOL!!

I found this grossly hysterical!
I think you will appreciate this little story...

My friend had an old car parked in his mom's driveway for YEARS. One day I was over and decided to go look at the car. OMG, it had been parked there thru so many winters the bottom had rusted thru and there were weeds growing up thru the floorboard and filled the back seat area!! I imagine it was kinda like a greenhouse in the car!!

Thanks for the fun story. (and NOOOO, I don't vacuum my engine!)

Dr. Swill said...


I'm so glad to shine a little light into your day. (just me with my flashlight and fuzzy slippers!)

From life comes comedy. I wish I could say I was creative enough to make this up, but shit really does happen!

I hope you are well.

Peace B

Dr. Swill said...

LOL That's it Maureen I'm applying to the Post Office tomorrow! Just keep your eyes on CNN!

I have a picture of the frog leg feast complete with turds, but I wasn't sure our readers would want to see it...what do you think?

Always love seeing you here. Thank you for your love and support.

Peace B

Maureen said...

Brian...bring it on! Besides, after you go postal, it will be a fun find for the profiler that checks out your blog!!!

Hey, what's wrong with a disgusting frog fest, complete with turds, between friends!!

The real quesiton is...do have a pic of you in your fluffy slippers? LOL!!!

Dr. Swill said...


If a profiler read enough of this blog, I would be found not guilty by reason of insanity. LOL!

And my slippers aren't fluffy, they'er fuzzy!!!

I can send you the froggie meal pic if you want. Send me your email to my DocSwill address I couldn't find it on your blog.

Kerry said...

I am here from Daria's
I laughed till I had tears running down my face. Loudly in fact.

I have my own story of a mice.Dang peanut butter didn't do a thing to catch them. You talking about Hollywood and the hand prints threw me over the edge laughing.
I remember mice so tiny and peanut butter prints. Then killing the larges mouse not in a trap but spraying that little bugger with lysol..then whooping them over the head to finish the job! Then laughing our butts off for years cause he scared the shit outta us in the bathroom every night for about a month. LOL.
This the best post I have read in ages! And I will be back!

WhiteStone said...

Mouse Trap Advice from Iowa...somehow those critters can lick the peanut butter out of a trap with nary a mishap. Growing up in an old Iowa farmhouse we began using a different technique...a bit of bread, dampened in water, smooshed into a small mass and placed in the bait area. The bread dries hard and the mice put forth enough effort to spring the trap. Just a suggestion. Hate mice. Hate 'em in the house! Much prefer that they live in the wilds of Canada, far far away.

Dr. Swill said...

Thanks WhiteStone,
I shall try your advice!
Peace B

Anonymous said...



nollyposh said...

Lol! and here i am on tha other side of the worlde saving a little mouse from the mighty jaws of death ...My cat! (Naughty Nolly!)

-LGirl- said...

Just came across you.
I can't say I have enjoyed a story about poopers more! Thanks for the giggle!

Words To Live By:

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others." -Mahatma Gandhi