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Meaning of life

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." ~ Pablo Picasso

Friday, December 10, 2010

A Season and Reason to Celebrate
Christmas Joy!

Last night I spent a very special evening with my friend Isabel. We have always enjoyed dining out together. It's kind of "our thing" and it is always best when you can spend one on one time without a whole gang. Better bonding time. It's more personal and you can connect and better communicate. Although Isabel and I don't always see the world the same way, (we drive each other crazy sometimes constantly) we are always there for each other. So, last night we had our annual Christmas Dinner at my favorite local restaurant in Fremont, Papillion's.

If you recall, Isabel was the one who selflessly spent months with me in Houston as I recovered from surgery after losing my tongue. She stepped away from running Walin Enterprises, Inc. to care for me. During a dark moment after my first cancer surgery, I was out of the hospital and recovering in an apartment located in Houston's medical center, I had a breakdown. It was the only time I was ready to let go and give up. It didn't look like I would ever talk properly again and I NEVER dreamed I would ever be able to eat food or sit down for a real social meal. I cried in her arms and told her I didn't want to live. I wanted to end it all and get it over with. Living this way was NOT living.

In true Isabel fashion she snapped, "Then I'm waisting my time here if you're just going to give up. I should just go home." The world has always revolved around Isabel in her eyes. I was used to it by now, but not understanding my pain didn't help. I was at the lowest point of my entire life.

That night I promised myself I wouldn't do anything rash, but if in one years time I had not made major progress, I would find a way to end it all. DO NOT JUDGE ME. Until you have been in my world, you could never understand.

At this moment I had endured ten and a half hours of surgery, my tongue ripped out, body parts and skin tissue were rearranged like a patch quilt, my neck dissected like a science project. I was sustaining life through a feeding tube attached to my belly, a mere 100 pounds wet, and I was preparing for weeks radiation and chemotherapy. All this and never knowing if any of it would actually save my life.

As you already know, I'm still here! My speech is remarkably improved and I can consume almost anything with minor modifications. I'm still scarred  and I have issues with pain, but at this point it's manageable. My biggest issue, aside from the pain and fatigue, is the traumatized fat lower lip I have been left with after my mouth was filleted open to remove the cancerous enemy within.

During our Christmas meal last night we feasted on crab cakes, cream of asparagus soup, a spinach salad with hickory bacon, and a BIG whiskey peppercorn fillet with vegetables. I completed my meal with a Tawny Red Port, compliments of Charlie the owner. Every time I dine there he buys me a drink and though I'm not a drinker, I always graciously accept because he serves the good stuff!

During the meal I reflected upon the dark day I told Isabel I wanted to end it all if I could never eat again. I explained that if I had I not improved, this moment in time would have never existed. Tears welled in our eyes. This is why I said what I did. I didn't want to live without ever having moments like this wonderful holiday meal in my life. I hope she finally understood.

Happy Holidays Everyone!
Bon Appetit!

B

13 comments:

Maureen said...

Hi Brian!

I would never judge you...well that's not entirely true.

You see I have judged you...that you are an inspiration. That you are stronger then you will ever know you are. That you are kinder and gentler then most that have never had to go thru the tribualtions you have gone thru. That you have a wicked sense of humor. That you are a prolific writer. And the list of judgements goes on and on...:)

I am so glad you made the improvements you have and are still here. I am glad you can enjoy food again. I am glad you haven't left us behind.

Had you made the choice you gave yourself, I would not be happy but I would certainly understand and still love you.

If you remember, please pass on a ginormous {{{hug}}} to Trini. She is one in a milliion.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyhow...I pray your check up goes well and that you will be blogging here for MANY MANY years. And if you are not writing it is because you are too busy enjoying life.

Blessings to you... and Trini.

M

Dr. Swill said...

Maureen,

It's because of the kindness of stranger/friends like you I'm still here also. Your kind words bring the good tears and I thank you so much for sticking around from day one and offering your love and support!

I hope you have a WONDERFUL Holiday and your life forever be filled with joy and peace.

B

Maureen said...

Aw gee...I bet you say that to all the girls!

Dr. Swill said...

M,

Only the sweet ones...and by the way...when are we having our Yak burger dammit!?

B

Anonymous said...

DOC, I DON'T HAVE WORDS. I'M NOT A STRONG PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO ILLNESS. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER WAS TOLD SHE HAS MS AROUND FIVE YEARS AGO.INSIDE I'M HAVING A HURTING AND HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH IT. IF I DIDN'T HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE I THINK I'D GO AND DISAPPEAR. SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE AND OUT. THANK GOD SHE HASN'T HAD ANOTHER ATTACK SINCE BEING TOLD. SHE HAS TO GIVE HERSELF A SHOT INTO THE TOP OF HER LEG EVERY WEEKS WHICH HURTS SO MUCH. I PRAY FOR HER IN MY THOUGHT PRAYERS AND JUST HOPE GOD IS LISTENING. I'M NOT DESERVING OF HIS MERCY AND GRACE. OH MY GOD, I'M SITTING HERE CRYING AFTER READING YOUR STORY. FORGIVE ME BUT IT HURTS TO KNOW YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN. KNOWING MY DAUGHTER COULD FACE WHAT MS HAS TO DISH OUT, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW OR THINK ABOUT IT.SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WORKING AT THIS TIME. HER HUBBY LOST HIS 20 YEAR JOB WITH A SODA COMPANY TWO YEARS AGO WHEN EVERYTHING WAS CHANGING IN OUR COUNTRY. MANAGEMENT JOBS ARE FEW HERE IN OUR STATE. WHEN YOUR NEAR 50 NOONE WANTS TO HIRE YOU. SAD THAT PEOPLE WITH EXPERIENCE, THEY SHUT THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE. I CAN SEE IT TAKING A TOLL ON HIM.
I'VE GOT TO GO FIX LUNCH.BLESS YOU.
GRANNY

PS. A SHUT OUT TO MAUREEN.

Maureen said...

Hi Granny!

B,

I still haven't found anywhere that sells Yak Burgers...have you?

Anonymous said...

SUNDAY NIGHT AND CHECKING IN. THEN I SAW SHUT OUT TO YOU MAUREEN. I SWEAR I NEED TO REREAD MY POST BUT IF I DID I WOULD STOP POSTING ON MY BLOGS THAT I GO TOO. ANYWAYS I MEANT TO SAY SHOUT NOT SHUT.LOL ALSO HALF THE WORDS I TYPE I HAVE TO LOOK UP ANYMORE. MY SPELLING AS DISAPPEAR. OLD AGE STINKS.

GRANNY

Anonymous said...

SUNDAY NIGHT AND CHECKING IN. THEN I SAW SHUT OUT TO YOU MAUREEN. I SWEAR I NEED TO REREAD MY POST BUT IF I DID I WOULD STOP POSTING ON THE BLOGS THAT I GO TOO. ANYWAYS I MEANT TO SAY SHOUT NOT SHUT.LOL ALSO HALF THE WORDS I TYPE I HAVE TO LOOK UP ANYMORE. MY SPELLING AS DISAPPEAR. OLD AGE STINKS.

GRANNY

Maureen said...

Hey Granny!

I knew what you meant! No problem, we all make typos here and there.

Heckm, if we got graded on our comments, I think we would all end up back in remedial English classes at some point!

Maureen said...

Oops..."heckm"! The "m" is too close to the comma! See, typo for me!!

Anonymous said...

WAITING TO HEAR IF THE TEST WENT GOOD.

GRANNY

Maureen said...

Hey B,

Just stopping in to wish you a very Merry and Blessed Christmas.

{{HUGS}}

Anonymous said...

ME TOO DOC. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR. I SURE HOPE ALL IS WELL.

GRANNY TG

Words To Live By:

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others." -Mahatma Gandhi