Lyrics From The Songs Of Life

The First Lyric

Many years ago I awoke from a nap. It was late afternoon as the warm sun cast it's light across my bed. My head began to spin. Everything was rhyming and I had to write. Now, I'm not a writer nor poet, never have been, and don't proclaim to be. It was more like a possession. I HAD TO WRITE! I fired up the laptop which was on my bed and this was the first of many writings that came out. Within 10 minutes this was written word for word without corrections. I wrote for three days without sleep. All in rhyme and all with a message. Some will call them poetry, I call them "Lyrics From The Songs Of Life." My friend Eric, said they sound like a cross between Dr. Seuss and Dr. Phil. Upon reading this he dubbed me: Dr. Swill, and so the doctor was born. I have no idea where it came from, somewhere deep within. I spent my life in business using the analytical side of my brain and I guess it was time for my artistic side to get involved in my life!

If Just For One Moment

by Brian N. Walin

The world revolves, gravity holding its place. But it still keeps on turning, when we fall flat on our face. If for one little moment this world would stop. Is it possible when it did, we all would just drop?

Could we pick up the pieces and put it all back? Would it just be too difficult to get all back on track? What if the world no longer revolved? Would it be in that moment we’d all be absolved?

Would it all be over? Would we cease to exist? Would it be time to heal or just be remiss? Could we take back the bad, and make it all right? Could we bring back the joy, if just for one night?

When I think about time and the years it must know, it’s hard to imagine when it’s our time to go. Would clocks just stop turning and give time to kill, to give us that moment to get up the hill, to climb every mountain, to ford every stream, to just keep on going, to follow that dream?

If just for one moment this world would stop, to give me my time, to get back up on top. I’ve known of life’s pleasures, and even life’s treasures. I’ve given my soul to reach such great measures.

It all can’t be over, I’m not nearly done. I need much more time, I haven’t yet won. I want to grow old and bathe in the sun. But that’s not my fate, God’s will, will be done.

A note to you all who read of this verse, give of yourself and not make it worse. What if your world stopped turning in place? Have you taken the time to think about race, to think about hatred, the war it can bring? Have we taken this wrong…“Let Freedom Ring?”

The world keeps on turning, a ball out in space. A small spec of dust, that’s really the case. It all could be over in one little flash. It could be the cause of one little clash. So, try to remember it’s love you must give, to keep this world turning, so that we may live.

©2005 Brian N. Walin (All rights reserved)
01/21/05

The Cancer Chronicles 4

February/March 07

Well the MRI really didn't show anything, but it was evident that surgery was necessary. After the approach Dr Schmidt wanted to take I find it time to seek a second opinion. Frankly, taking 1/3 of my tongue scares me! I did a lot of research and found the two best cancer hospitals in the country were Memorial Sloan-Kettering in New York and MD Anderson in Houston. Meanwhile a surgery date was set up at UCSF so I could get on the roster since Dr. Schmidt books two to three months in advance.

I found that a Dr. Gary Clayman was one of the leading surgeons in the country and specializes in Head and Neck cancers. He was located at the MD Anderson Cancer Center. This was the man I wanted to see! While I made arrangements to get to Houston for a consultation, I found an article about Warren Buffett’s wife having cancer. As it turns out she used the very same team of doctors led by Dr. Schmidt, at UCSF that I was using.

I thought I would write a letter to Mr. Buffett, asking how he came to choose Dr. Schmidt at UCSF. After all, being one of the richest men in the world his wife could have gone anywhere to seek the best treatment money could buy. I never really thought I’d get a response, but within three days of sending my letter his secretary, Debbie called to tell me Mr. Buffett had dictated a response and that the whole office was pulling for me. I was floored. She was so kind, I almost cried. To me nothing is more important in life than giving one’s time. Mr. Buffett, being such a busy man, will never know how much I appreciate the time he took to respond. His letter, which arrived within days of speaking with Debbie, was kind, heartfelt, and direct. Bottom line, “You could not be in better hands.”

Mr. Warren Buffett –THANK YOU!

I arrived in Houston and was a bit overwhelmed. The Med Center is huge! I was given a week long schedule. I had meetings with Dr. Clayman, the surgeon, Dr. Kim, the chemotherapist, and Dr. Morrison, the radiologist. This was to be my team of doctors if I chose to be treated here. But none could agree on treatment. The surgeon said, "Radiation." The radiologist said, "Surgery." The chemotherapist said, "You don’t want chemo." OK, now what?

I had several tests and CT Scans and blood work, all looking to see where else the cancer might be. Nothing seemed to be found anywhere else in my body. The one thing I’ve learned here is: being sick is exhausting and all these appointments and procedures wear you out. Oddly the testing at UCSF was not this extensive.

Even though the doctors had not agreed at this point, what was agreed upon was that I had an abnormal tonsil and Dr. Clayman wanted to biopsy it. I agree and tell him to take them both, but he only wants one. The concern here was that there might be two different types of cancer growing in the oral cavity, in which case surgery of the tongue would not be the best answer. Radiation would be a better option. This just gets more complex everyday!

Arrangements are made for me to come back to perform the tonsil biopsy. I thought it best to allow Dr. Clayman to operate since UCSF didn’t even notice it and their testing at MD Anderson was more extensive. I still feel that Dr. Schmidt should operate on my tongue when the time comes. The longer I wait, the more the cancer grows. Ever since the initial tongue biopsy the cancer has tripled in size. It’s like it became enraged after being cut into and was fighting back!

There’s just so much to think about. I'm tired, overwhelmed, and in pain. Vicodin to the rescue! I’ve been on that crap since January, 24/7 and I find it so hard to function, but the nice thing about the drug is….. I DON’T CARE!

Peace

NEXT BLOG ENTRY (CC5)

The Cancer Chronicles 3

January 20, 2007

Say it with me …..SHIT!

Yesterday I had to have a second MRI at 7 AM. Then straight to the airport to catch a flight to a warmer destination for some R&R at 11:50 AM. It was freezing as I got into the car for the ride there. I needed gas and was running a little behind. On the radio was The Whoopi Goldberg Morning Show. I didn't know she had one! It rocked! I'm not sure if it’s a syndicated or not but catch it if you can at 5 AM. I was afraid I was going to be late! Gassed and ran. Yea!! I was 10 minutes early and nobody was there. Seven o'clock promptly, 3 of the staff arrived for my exam.

I got back into my buttless (I know that’s not a word but it should be!) attire and prepared to enter my tomb… tired, relaxed, and wanting to just get it over with. On the head phones, Josh Groban’s, “You Lift Me Up” Inspirational! 40 minutes later I exit to an Elton John number I can't recall because the tech was talking over him as I listened to the tech carefully. I go to get dressed.

With a sad puzzled look on his face he asks me to sit down for a moment. I thought maybe he saw something on the MRI that was serious. Visibly upset he says, “There’s something wrong with the MRI.” My heart sank.

I think he noticed my expression and quickly recanted, “Not with you…the MRI itself.” I breath….what? Apparently the MRI malfunctioned. The Doctor called for a “fat sat with contrast” My understanding is that means the MRI must remove the fat tissues from the screening and the contrast happens when the dye is injected into the arm. For what ever reason with sincere apologies he tells me it has to be redone.

But I don't have time!!! I need to leave for the airport! He asks when I'm coming back and I explain not until after UCSF’s findings. But now there will be no findings without these images. Soooooo….

What do we do? I explain I can reschedule my flight for $100 and spend the night in Fremont and we can go again ASAP. The owner, Dr. Rory Satterfield agrees to cover all my expenses and rearranges a 4 PM re-shoot. They set me up in a very plush private office and I made all my changes, flight, and airport pick-up. I went out to the car to get some info and I had a flat tire. I just laughed. What once would have made me angry was just another unimportant thing to take care of.

After going to 3 gas stations, I finally found one that had a working air pump. I went back to Isabel's to rest. Then back to Inview (the imaging company) at 4 PM for round THREE!

A Moral

On the way back I spotted a squirrel in the road intently working on a walnut. I pulled off to the side of the road to watch him work on that thing.

One thing being ill has taught me all these years is that I notice the little things more and appreciate much of the beauty we often miss in our daily grind to survive the concrete jungle.

That squirrel was so cute. He turned that nut, put it down, rotated it around, banged it on the ground, as if he was looking for the easiest way in. All he cared about was that nut, nothing else mattered. He was so obsessed with his nut, he didn't even notice me park the car just a few feet way. All of the sudden another car rounded the corner and as it passed I saw my new little friend flat dead in the street. He never knew what hit him.

Sadly I thought to myself, “Damn….one minute you're minding your own business, playing with your nuts in the street, and the next minute you're road kill...ain't life a BITCH!"

Don't obsess on one thing for too long, life just might pass you by. (or run you over!)

Nutters RIP!

Until tomorrow my friends!

Peace B

NEXT BLOG ENTRY (CC4)

The Cancer Chronicles 2

Zippidy Do Da! - One week after biopsy...

Well today I must say was interesting.

I went for my very first MRI. Ever have one? Hope you're not claustrophobic! What was to be a 90 minute visit turned out to be 45. With a secondary MRI tomorrow at 7 AM. I think once the owner of the facility found out the results would be presented as a case study at UCSF he wanted to make sure it was perfect. A good thing.

What's an MRI? Magnetic resonance imaging, formally referred to as magnetic resonance tomography, is a non-invasive method used to render images inside of an object. Based on a magnetic principle that produces a gravitation field 5 times that of Earth's gravity. Because of this the room is lined in copper and metal objects (keys, watches, under wire bras, anything with a zipper) (NO METAL... GET IT??) are strictly forbidden in the room! With a price tag of over One Million Dollars, I wouldn't want to break one of these puppies!

Photo courtesy NASA - An MRI scanner

Here We Go!

Gown on, butt to the world, I recline on a table and made very comfortable. Full explanation of what is to come is given....Don't move, don't breath too deep, don't swallow. AHHHH.....OK.

Strategically placed in comfort like preparing the dead for the afterlife. Headphones, soft music. Then into the tomb, more like a round cylinder, intensely small and consuming with mood lighting. Cyndi Lauper plays "True Colors" on my headphones as I slowly enter the tomb. I hear the technician over the music, "Ready, take a deep breath, swallow, and relax...let me know when you're ready." 20 minutes of jackhammer sounds, lawn mower, and other buzzing goes on. At each change I can breath and swallow, not to move my head as the MRI is of my head. Tomorrow the neck.

Then I slowly come out again being told not to move my head at all, it must remain in the identical position, as they inject dye. A gentle prick. No not the technician....the needle! A warm feeling and back to the party. Another 15 minutes of banging and grinding noises and out I come. The last song I remember is Celine Dion's "A New Day" The music is from the radio so it's not intentional, but in the scheme of things seems suspiciously appropriate to me. Peek A BOO!!! I tell the tech. He laughs. Tomorrow 7 AM??? Yup!

NEXT: Off to the hospital for X-Rays! Chest and Side Views needed. They hand me a CD. Hummm...no film..cool. Instructions are that these are to be hand carried back to UCSF.

Then I call Matthew Hawes, son of dear friends Mike and Debra. I grew up with Debra and she helped me grow my company, working for me as my Office Manager and helping run the restaurants for 5 years. Matt, an honorary nephew, is in Fremont still ,doing well, and asked that we have coffee. Concerned and wanting to see me I agree. During are talk at Starbuck's he leaves for the restroom.

Next to us is a deaf couple. A beautiful young blond girl mid 20's and a handsome balding gentleman maybe late 20's. They use sign language profusely. He pauses to kiss her deeply. She giggles and purrs. More wild signing, then he strokes her calf and another deep kiss. OK to some extreme behavior for a coffee shop, but I found a very profound way to view it. They were feet away as I watched. Thinking of my problem, my tongue. Then a warm thought crossed my mind...They can't even speak and I'm worried about loosing some of my tongue. Now putting this into perspective...what's the worst case??? I learn another language out of this. Fremont by the way has one of the largest deaf populations in California and offers the California School for the Deaf est. 1860! California School for the Deaf, Fremont

My cell phone rings...it's David, an old friend I grew up with from Detroit, now a Doctor in San Francisco, on the other end. Shock, sadness, love, and much advice is given. All taken with open ear and heart. More love, truly overwhelming. Poor Matthew sits and plays games on his phone as I talk to Dr. Dave. Matt understands the importance.

It's been a long day...tomorrow 7 AM round 2 MRI. Copies of the MRI's on CD and X-Rays will be hand carried to UCSF by Isabel and her daughter Sophia. I have some of the best friends in the world. I often cry giving thanks for those who love, help, and care. It can be a bit overwhelming.

Thank you to everyone for your strength, love, and support. Truly a blessing!

Peace

NEXT BLOG ENTRY (CC3)

The Cancer Chronicles

In September of 2006 I noticed a pain on my tongue. Sort of like I had bitten it but I could barely see a mark. By October I noticed a small pin head size sore on the left lateral side of my tongue. I figured it to be some type of canker sore that would go away. I began to use salt rinses hoping they would help.

Early December the sore had grown slightly but was very painful. Many foods made the pain worse. I went to my primary care physician who sent me to a Dental Specialist at UCSF in San Francisco. The following updates were sent to family and friends as the saga continued:

January 2007

I had a Tongue Punch Biopsy today at UCSF Oral Medical Facility in SF. Now I'm part of a research study for oral cancer studies...yippie! The Doc took a 5mm chunk out of my tongue with a device that looked like a paper punch.. 3 stitches and I'm in MAJOR pain. I will take Extra Strength Vicodin for several days. Then back to my normal dosage. It helps but I still have a pounding in my head and in some discomfort.

Isabel has been a great friend on this trip. She booked a hotel room for 2 days near the hospital so I can recover in peace and near the hospital and has been by my side the whole time. One of the Little Caesar stores was robbed while we were in the waiting room and she still stuck by my side. She has really made me very comfortable and I greatly appreciate it.

I will know more next week when I get my results of the biopsy, until then pain and rest.

Peace


One Week Later

Greetings from freezing California!

Well the news it's not bright...today I went back to UCSF for a review of my biopsy. The short of it.."poorly differentiated squamous cell carcinoma." BOTTOM LINE: TONGUE CANCER!!! Appears to be in it's early stages.

Well if that don't beat all. They are suggesting one third of the tongue be removed....for those of you that say I talk too much anyway, go ahead and laugh now.

Dr. Brian Schmidt, at UCSF tried to book an MRI and could not fit me in til February. With some connections I was able to arrange the 90 minute day at Disney tomorrow at 2:45. This will apparently show if it has spread to the lymph nodes in the neck and head area.

After the X-rays and MRI, the information will be presented to the board at UCSF for review. Remember I'm a case study for them. I will also be looking for a second opinion as to the best way to go about this. I don't doubt the cancer, but I do not understand why so much of the tongue needs to go. So we learn.

If you research this cancer you will find some awful pictures of nasty tongues. Mine does not appear as bad as any I've seen. It's about a 7mm circular dent on the underside of my tongue. That is until they took a 5mm punch out of my tongue for the biopsy..now it looks a bit worse, but nothing like I've found on any of the web sites so far. More research needed!

It should be interesting to see how my other health problems complicate the issue. The doctor told me the surgery needed to be done or the cancer would grow and take my life. Well 12 years ago I was given 3 months to live and I'm still here! When I calmly told him I was ready for that (to die), he looked at me with great surprise. I was serious. Then he said, "I have great respect for a man who is ready to face his own mortality, but I humbly disagree."

OK I'm tired... it's been a struggle the last few years and I was ready 12 years ago damit!!!!! Yes I will try to find the best care with the best options...but we all know ..."thy will, will be done."

If you find anything interesting to share please do.

Peace

NEXT BLOG ENTRY (CC2)

The Book

Because of all I've been though in life, I've been prodded for years to write a book. I'm not a writer, just a person with life stories to share...and so it begins.

THE PREFACE

Who am I? Nobody, that’s who. None of us hold any true significance when you take into account the age of our Universe. As you read the words of my life please remember I breathe, hurt, and bleed as you do. We share the same space we call Earth for a very short moment in time. I don’t expect you to agree with me. All I ask is that you keep an open mind as you read.

In the larger picture we are minuscule in the true scope of things. We tend to think of ourselves as the center of our Universe. When in reality we are nothing more than a small spec of dust in the Universe. We think time should stand still for us and when things go wrong we ask, “Why?” As if it was all about us. I am no different than you, but I have grown to understand that the world is older and wiser and no matter how much we try, we will never control it. Oceans will rise and fall. The Earth will rumble and reshape itself as we selfishly scurry to keep things copacetic.

What I’ve learned in my short time here: Mankind spends their lives hating, making war, building monuments, enacting laws they think are fair, and hording money. People use their God to make excuses for their transgressions instead of living the word. What is more important than loving one another for who we are and living life in peace? Yet, for generations wars have been based on this very principle.

There are billionaires with their own islands. People who claim they can’t survive without their five dollar morning latte’ while hundreds of thousands of people are dying of AIDS. People with unclean water and no food wither and die slowly as we bitch about traffic.

Some will say this is the best time to be alive in the history of our world. I tend to disagree. We’ve gotten it wrong. But how do we fix it? I honestly don’t think we can. We’re not capable, nor are we worthy of living on this great planet. The gifts we have been given have been abused and discarded like a spoiled child’s toys.

We are selfish animals, concerned for our own self preservation. We leave destruction in our wake convincing ourselves its progress. Yet here we all are drilling for oil to fill our cars, clearing the forests to build our homes, flushing our toilets, gee… let’s have fish for dinner, putting our trash out at the curb, and hoping we will never need to live near the landfill it’s hauled off to. Progress?

We’re told to get that education and make the big money. Prepare for “your” future. In an effort to make life easier, we’ve made it difficult for so many just to survive. All this education and we have never learned to feed all our people? By “our people” I mean “the world,” not just our country. Let’s not forget the scope of things I’m trying to convey here. We still don’t have a clear vision on health care for our disabled or the elderly. We allow people to die of diseases and starvation because we spend our money paving the Earth with concrete. This we call humanity? I’m guilty, I’m ashamed and you should be too.

I understand all this now. Facing death gives life a clarity, but as I grew up I was unaware of the reality of our world situation. I lived in “my world” as I was taught, as you probably have also. This is my story: From birth to youth, High School to College, from my first business to my first Million, and then to my death bed …and beyond.

Stupid Signs

All I can say is...STAY LEFT~!

Stupid Sign Of The Week