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Meaning of life

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." ~ Pablo Picasso

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The Cancer Chronicles 21


Well it sure has been awhile since you last heard from me. I just haven't felt up to writing. Actually I haven't felt like doing much of anything. December was a very hard month for me. I have to say I went into a deep depression. Not the crying, feeling sorry for myself depression, the I don't care, go away and leave me alone kind.

I stayed in bed most of the month, honestly not giving a shit. I guess it was just everything washing over me at once. I was still fighting with the hospital over bills. The debt has mounted. Even with a 30% co-pay, my share of the over $200,000 bill so far, is hard to fathom. The anniversary of my father's death is in December. My step father also died in December. My birthday is in December making me another year older and my mother was once again in the hospital in December. I had plenty of things to think about and reflect upon. Hummm December sucks!

One year ago mom and I were having the time of our lives on a cruise ship with Rosie O'Donnell. (check the archives for that story) I wasn't 100% sure I had cancer at that time. Then January 2007 was my turning point. Nothing would ever be the same again. Cancer, drugs, surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, more drugs, yea drugs... and having to make the decision that I was no longer able to take care of my failing mother. In 2007 mom would grace the hospital 4 times with 2 long term rehab stays. All while I tried to cope with my own health issues.

So, December was not at all a good month. By mid January 2008 the Christmas cards lay on the kitchen table unopened. Mom was once again in rehab. Loving Christmas and birthday greetings overflowed on my answering machine. My email box stopped annoying me with, "You've got mail!" and started demanding "Get off your ass and answer this shit!" Hundreds of unanswered emails from all over the world. Many of whom have kept up with this blog...and Maureen, my girl who's always there. Thank you!!!

I can't account for the 6 weeks they just seem not to exist. So I guess it's time to get back into the game again. I just gotta breath and move.

So, I humbly say to those of you, Thank You for your kind and loving thoughts. I will be headed back to MD Anderson once more for another series of check ups. Wish me luck!!!

Peace B


1 comment:

Maureen said...

Hi Brian,
So happy to see a post by you (finally!!)

I am so sorry you were feeling so crappy, but I'm glad you got your ass outta bed!!

Tell the docs you will pay them 50 bucks a month until it is paid off! As long as you make a monthly payment, I don't think they can sue you or anything like that, so try not to worry about it. I know...easier said then done.

I hope your mom is doing better, too.

And without a doubt I wish you the best when you head back to MDAnderson...and everyday...and always!

Now, DON'T keep me worrying like you had before!! Got it??!!

Breathe, move and BLOG damn it!!

♥'s and {{{{hugs}}}}

Words To Live By:

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others." -Mahatma Gandhi